Welcoming the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World by Pema Chödrön

“We are at a time when old systems and ideas are being questioned and falling apart, and there is a great opportunity for something fresh to emerge. I have no idea what that will look like and no preconceptions about how things should turn out, but I do have a strong sense that the time we live in is a fertile ground for training in being open-minded and open-hearted.” pg 28

The incomparable Buddhist nun and teacher, Pema Chödrön, interprets the dharma and applies it in the various challenging circumstances of modern life. From polarization to living in the now, comfort zones and boredom, Chödrön challenges practitioners to question their deeply entrenched beliefs by applying new lenses of perception. Change within, she says, and you will see changes in the world.

“Trungpa Rinpoche said that the way to arouse bodhichitta was to “begin with a broken heart.” Protecting ourselves from pain – our own and that of others – has never worked. Everybody wants to be free from their suffering, but the majority of us go about it in ways that only make things worse.” pg 4

Remembering this shared struggle to find relief from suffering is one of the many ways Chödrön breaks down the problematic mindset of us vs. them. She gives plenty of tips for remembering the sacred within oneself and everyone else. One of the simple ones that stuck with me was, when you see someone suffering, say to yourself, “just like me.”

Stuck in traffic but don’t want to be? Everyone around you is too. They’re just like you. Irritated by developments on the world stage? There are others who are just like you. Have a cold and just want to get some uninterrupted sleep? Think of the thousands out there who are just like you.

“… if we gradually increase our capacity to be present with our pain and the sufferings of the world, we will surprise ourselves with our growing sense of courage. In our practice of cultivating a broken heart, we can incrementally build the strength and skill to handle more and more.” pg 6

What I like most about Chödrön’s books is that she isn’t afraid to talk about how she has stumbled with the various teachings in her own life. She takes a clear look at her foibles and, instead of hiding them where no one else can see them, she uses her failings to propel herself and others forward.

For example, Chödrön relates how, when she first became the director of an abbey in Nova Scotia, she thought the kitchen was a disaster. She put all of these rules in place to organize and clean the kitchen, yet it was never good enough. She confesses going down to the kitchen at night after everyone was asleep in order to organize the drawers without their knowledge. Yet even with all of those struggles, the kitchen remained as it was.

So, instead of fighting it further, she relaxed into the belief that the problem was not with the kitchen or anyone in it, but her own perception of the kitchen.

“I said to myself, “I don’t care if the whole place is a mess. I’m going to work on my propensity to label things in negative ways, such as ‘dirty’ and ‘disorganized.’ I’m going to pay more attention to how I project my own version of reality onto the world.” pg 74

And this self examination altered her view of reality. “Instead of my whole being going into a knot of contraction, I felt relaxed and happy in there. It was a miracle.” pg 74

What sorts of things do you view as disorganized kitchens in your own life?

Highly recommended for readers interested in Buddhist teachings or improving the world around them by change from within.

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

You’re Not Listening is a fun and enlightening non-fiction read about, you guessed it, listening. Theoretically, we all have the capability of listening, but, as author Kate Murphy points out, we kind of suck at it.

“This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo.” pg 3

From politics to business, scientific studies to families, Murphy illustrates pitfalls on the path of active listening and highlights the fact that rhetoric and conversational skills are taught all over the world. The other half of the equation, listening to the information that’s delivered, is not.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

“Done well and with deliberation, listening can transform your understanding of the people and the world around you, which inevitably enriches and elevates your experience and existence. It is how you develop wisdom and form meaningful relationships.” pg 4

In the modern age of social media and the ability to establish instantaneous connections all around the world, you would think people would be feeling more interconnected than ever. Not so, says Murphy.

“People get lonely for lack of listening. Psychology and sociology researchers have begun warning of an epidemic of loneliness in the United States. Experts are calling it a public health crisis, as loneliness increases the risk of death as much as obesity, alcoholism, and heart disease combined.” pg 9

All of our technology bombards us with information while at the same time diverting our attention from the people in our physical lives. It is not just a matter of deciding who to listen to; it’s also a question of shrinking attention spans and one of the many challenges faced by a technologically advanced society. Meanwhile, we’re blasting out our own thoughts and feelings as quickly as they arise… so who has time for any of that?

“It takes awareness, focus, and experience to unearth and understand what is really being communicated. Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way.” pg 69

I love books that I learn from and that help me become the type of person whom I aspire to be. You’re Not Listening ticks both those boxes in a big way. I can’t recommend it enough for readers who enjoy non-fiction, learning, and the eternal quest of self improvement.

Thank you to the publisher for a free advance reader’s copy of this book.

The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking: How Irrational Beliefs Keep Us Happy, Healthy, and Sane by Matthew Hutson

Matthew Hutson examines some of humankind’s irrational beliefs and shows, through stories and examples, how the beliefs are types of coping mechanisms and can be consciously utilized for a better life.

“These habits of the mind guide us through the world every day. In very basic ways they provide a sense of control, of purpose, of connection, and of meaning, and without them we couldn’t function.” pg 9

The beliefs Hutson discusses are “objects carry essences”, “symbols have power”, “actions have distant consequences”, “the mind knows no bounds”, “the soul lives on”, “the world is alive” and “everything happens for a reason”.

I couldn’t possibly touch on every idea that engaged me in this book, but I do want to mention my favorite chapter. I was particularly drawn to “the mind knows no bounds”.

“If anything is magic, consciousness is.” pg 108

Everything Hutson discusses in this book originates in the mind: how we perceive events, people, death, the whole enchilada. I think it is in the interpretation of life and the meanings we assign to things that seem to be the key to magical thinking.

“Believing that our thoughts have the power to drive our own behavior as well as the behavior of the outside world – that they’re not just feeble shadows cast against the inside of our heads – provides a sense of agency and makes us go out there and become active participants in life.” pg 123

That’s the sort of magical thinking I support – the interconnecting, empowering and mystical kind, that inserts meaning into the most trivial moments and illuminates your life, revealing a pattern of something greater. Then, spring boarding that knowledge into action, having another realization, and so on.

“While mystical states may not unite you with a universal intelligence, they can still tap you into your own potential for transformation. Which makes them mind-expanding after all.” pg 123

Though his writing can become dense at times, Hutson lightens things up with stories from his own life or his research. It feels like a non-fiction psychology book with a heaping dose of philosophy, religion, and memoir.

“The idea is to face morality as frankly as you can without freaking out. To accept a manageable share of anxiety and to channel it toward building a heaven here on Earth.” pg 162

Here’s author Matthew Hutson dancing with fire!

Good luck with that, fellow readers. I’ll be cheering for you, which, if you read this book and understand the power of magical thinking, may have more impact than you ever imagined.

Murder Your Darlings: And Other Gentle Writing Advice from Aristotle to Zinsser by Roy Peter Clark

Murder Your Darlings is not just another book about writing. It shares the wisdom and creative insights of fifty or so authors, some famous, some not, and some who wrote their own books about the craft.

In his own unique manner, Roy Peter Clark distills the main lessons from each writer and presents them in curated chapters. The chapters are organized into six parts: language and craft, voice and style, confidence and identity, storytelling and character, rhetoric and audience, mission and purpose.

Aspiring or struggling writers can go directly to the issue she may be facing at the moment or read the whole thing to find tips and techniques that fit her emerging efforts best.

Though this may be most useful to writers who have a particular problem in mind, I believe any writer who wants to elevate their work could find something illuminating in these pages.

At the very least, Clark saves writers days of research time into locating appropriate writing resources. If you like the brief outline he gives of a writing guide, you could go invest the time to read the whole thing.

Highly recommended for everyone who strings words together or dreams about doing so.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a free digital copy of this book.

Widen the Window: Training Your Brain and Body to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma by Elizabeth A. Stanley

Managing stress and recovering from past traumas are some of the many challenges facing humanity in the modern era. Widen the Window addresses both those problems.

Elizabeth Stanley explains how individuals handle stress and trauma varies widely from person to person. It is first affected by your biology, then your unique childhood experiences making everyone’s responses different. What is incredibly stressful to one person may to a cakewalk to the next, and vise versa.

She describes the ability to manage responses to stress as a window. Through a variety of mindfulness techniques, healthy eating, maintaining a large social network, and getting plenty of rest, Stanley guides the reader through ways to “widen the window” or increase your ability to manage stress.

I am always on the lookout for ideas on how to appropriately manage stress. If I manage my stress responses when they’re small, it prevents something more serious from building up and coming out in other, perhaps more dysfunctional, ways.

I could see this book being useful to every reader who picks it up. Everybody has something they’re dealing with – from current work to family to friends issues or traumatic past experiences that push themselves into the present. We’re all in this together, even if your mind is telling you otherwise.

How Not to Die: Discover the Foods Scientifically Proven to Prevent and Reverse Disease by Michael Greger

I think everybody is aware that your diet has an enormous impact on your health. This book is another reminder that this is true.

Though everyone will one day die, Michael Greger gives some tips to help you live as long and as healthily as possible.

I’m not going to debate the merits of different diets which seem to change as quickly as fads. I think everybody should try to incorporate healthy habits that are right for them as they are able.

How Not to Die is packed with ideas on that front.

I think the most interesting part of this book are the effects that various foods have on the body. But you don’t have to take Greger’s word for it, experiment and see what works for you.

Happy eating 🙂

Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

“We shouldn’t regard rest as a mere physical necessity to be satisfied grudgingly; we should see it as an opportunity. When we stop and rest properly, we’re not paying a tax on creativity. We’re investing in it.” pg 11

I think we’re living in a culture that generally glorifies busyness and a frantic pace of achievement. That’s not news.

Alex Soojung-Kim Pang takes a deep dive into the science of rest and shares the insight that taking breaks isn’t something we should squeeze into our schedule. Rest, he argues, is as important as the work itself.

Four of his major points are: “work and rest are partners”, “rest is active”, “rest is a skill”, and “deliberate rest stimulates and sustains creativity”.

I was particularly interested in the creativity-related point of Pang’s hypothesis.

“You need time for rest because that’s when the unconscious mind can get to work. You can’t command inspiration to appear, but you can nudge it, most notably by working steadily and regularly. The romantic image of the artist who does nothing until he’s inspired and then produces in a furious burst of work is misleading.” pg 91

Pang looked into the lives and routines of creative thinkers throughout history and came to the perhaps surprising conclusion that four concentrated hours of work per day is sufficient.

“The pattern of working four hard hours with occasional breaks isn’t just confined to scientists, writers, or other people who are already successful, well-established, and have the freedom to set their own schedules. You can also see it among students who go on to become leaders in their fields.” pg 67

The rest of the day that geniuses such as Charles Darwin or Ernest Hemingway lived were filled with activities like long walks, day dreaming, active rest, sport and other seemingly unrelated moments that fueled the subconscious mind.

“The right kinds of rest would restore their energy while allowing their muse, that mysterious part of their minds that helps drive the creative process, to keep going.”

What these activities may be vary from person to person, but Pang’s research proves time and again that the rest portion of the day is critical.

One of my favorite parts of this book dealt with Malcolm Gladwell’s popular 10,000 hours for mastery idea that he discusses in his book, Outliers. Yes, Pang argues, 10,000 hours are necessary for exceptional performance. But we’re ignoring the rest of the equation.

“It comes after 10,000 hours of deliberate practice, 12,500 hours of deliberate rest, and 30,000 hours of sleep.” pg 74

From morning routines and sabbaticals to naps and carving out time for more sleep, Pang exhorts the reader to make rest a priority. It’s not lazy, it is one of the building blocks of a creative and productive life.

Sign me up. 🙂

Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope by Mark Manson

This creatively titled self-help book, Everything is F*cked, presents psychology, philosophy and the author’s view of reality.

In a series of essays, Mark Manson discusses a variety of topics including the differences between the “thinking brain” and “feeling brain.” He uses Isaac Newton’s laws to create a parallel universe’s version of emotional laws and completes a fairly scathing dissection of religion.

Throughout the various topics, he circles back to the idea of hope and how it can potentially create more problems than it solves.

Why did Manson write a book about hope?

“This book is my little source of hope. It gives me purpose; it gives me meaning. And the narrative that I’ve constructed around hope is that I believe this book might help some people, that it might make both my life and the world a little bit better.” pg 15

I did not read Manson’s other incredibly popular title, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life, so I went into this one not knowing what to expect. I found Manson to be particularly adept at breaking down complex topics into simple, easy-to-understand analogies.

For example, here’s his take on the psychological cause of a underlying feeling of unworthiness: “This feeling of unworthiness is usually the result of some bad sh*t happening to us at some point. We suffer through some terrible stuff, and our Feeling Brain decides that we deserved those bad experiences. Therefore, it sets out, despite the Thinking Brain’s better knowledge, to repeat and re-experience that suffering.” pg 46

And here’s the analogy he crafts around his explanation of unworthiness: “Put another way, the problem isn’t that we don’t know how not to get punched in the face. The problem is that, at some point, likely a long time ago, we got punched in the face, and instead of punching back, we decided we deserved it.” pg 46

His writing is simple and succinct, which could be incredibly useful for readers who are looking for more information about the self help topics presented. I didn’t particularly care for Manson’s overall style, but that’s a personal preference rather than a commentary on the value of what he’s discussing.

“The stories of our future define our hopes. And our ability to step into those narratives and live them, to make them reality, is what gives our lives meaning.” pg 70

I think this author may be similar to Sarah Knight and her series of self help books about The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k. Readers either love or hate those, I fell somewhere in between.

My favorite part of this was when Manson dived into some Buddhist philosophy in the chapter, “Pain is the Universal Constant.” He discusses the teaching of suffering being similar to a person struck by arrows. The first arrow brings physical pain and the second brings the emotional pain, which can be far worse and last longer than the physical pain because of the narratives we weave around it.

Through meditation, the second arrow, emotional pain, can be diminished or perhaps eliminated.

“That while pain is inevitable, suffering is always a choice. That there is always a separation between what we experience and how we interpret that experience. That there’s always a gap between what our Feeling Brain feels and what our Thinking Brain thinks. And in that gap, you can find the power to bear anything.” pg 186

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric on Pexels.com

Recommended for readers who aren’t offended by strong language and have the ability to hold the book they’re reading in that gap in their minds — between the thoughts and the emotions, in the space of pure being.

I’ll meet you there. 🙂

Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence by Daniel J. Siegel

Daniel Siegel, MD, psychiatrist and author, shares his research into neuroscience and a meditation practice he has developed called the “Wheel of Awareness“.

“The Wheel practice is a way to open awareness and cultivate a larger, more expansive container of consciousness. People who participate in the practice seem to be strengthening their minds.” pg 9

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

The practice uses focused attention on the senses, bodily sensations, mental activities and interconnectedness, in order to encourage the mind to become more integrated. When this integration happens, the mind gives off certain brainwaves that Siegel and other researchers have measured coming from experienced meditation practitioners such as monks.

Basically, Siegel is using western science in an effort to measure and replicate meditation practices.

The science portions of Aware are not very accessible to the non-scientists readers and I could see that being off-putting. However, if you are interested in the intersection of neuroscience and meditation practice, this book could be incredibly useful to you.

“Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and neural connection grows.” pg 19

I found the implications of Siegel’s research to be fascinating. He claims, through focused attention, one can change the neural patterns and behavior of the brain. Meditation affects biology in a physically measurable way.

There have been countless studies on the positive benefits of meditation practice, but, I think, fewer on the changes in the function and integration of the mind. The rewards of such can be profound.

“When our minds wander unintentionally, we are not present, we are not receptively aware, we are not mindful, and studies suggest, we inhibit being happy — even if we are daydreaming about exciting things. … Presence cultivates happiness.” pg 49

Besides the Wheel of Awareness portion, the part of Aware I found most helpful was a discussion about the proper cultivation of empathy, the ability to put yourself in another’s place to feel and share what they are feeling.

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.com

Tania Singer, in a presentation to the Dalai Lama, had this advice: “… we need to place empathy in the larger space of altruistic love and compassion. This space will act like a buffer for empathic distress. Since altruism and compassion are positive mental states, they reinforce our courage and give us the resources to deal with the suffering of others in a constructive way.” pg 86

I liked the visual of that and think it will come in handy in the future.

Recommended for non-fiction readers interested in the science behind meditation and the development of presence. Spiritual seekers looking for different meditation methods may want to look for that in another, less technical, book.

Thanks for reading!

The Help Desk Book Blog

Sharing reviews and deep thoughts about life.

Tag: Self Help

Welcoming the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World by Pema Chödrön

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking: How Irrational Beliefs Keep Us Happy, Healthy, and Sane by Matthew Hutson

Murder Your Darlings: And Other Gentle Writing Advice from Aristotle to Zinsser by Roy Peter Clark

Widen the Window: Training Your Brain and Body to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma by Elizabeth A. Stanley

Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope by Mark Manson

Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence by Daniel J. Siegel

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