The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine

Hello, my name is Heidi and I am bad at small talk. It’s not that I don’t have things to say — I can think of plenty of things to say. The things just don’t make it out of my mouth.

Enter Debra Fine, self-help author and speaking coach. She believes small talk is a skill that can be taught and mastered by even the most hopeless conversationalist. Fine begins by detailing her own life experience as a poor conversationalist and how she remade herself into a conversational dynamo.

And she hopes to do the same for her readers.

Most of the advice in The Fine Art of Small Talk is common sense stuff, but I can still see it being useful to me in the future.

For example, she encourages readers to be brave and initiate conversations in public situations. Look for the people sitting by themselves. They might appreciate your attempts to chat. Also, if you don’t start a conversation, he or she may believe you’re being stand-offish. That’s not a belief you’d want to encourage.

Actually, I have a very shy friend, one of the librarians I worked with, who swore by this technique of finding a person sitting by themselves. She did extremely well at parties by finding the quietest person in the room and starting a conversation with them.

Next, once you’re talking to someone, learn his or her name and how to appropriately pronounce it. Ask open-ended questions to foster the conversations and reduce any potentially awkward pauses. Fine recommends using the acronym “FORM” to help you create these questions. FORM stands for family, occupation, recreation and miscellaneous.

Don’t be rude and press into topics that people seem reluctant to talk about. Just gently steer the conversation around the recommended general topics and let the person you’re conversing with lead. Make sure to pay attention to any verbal cues or body language the other person gives you. Obviously, this can be more difficult over the phone, so just actively listen.

And finally, exit the conversation gracefully by going back to the topic you started talking about in the first place or offering to follow up with the person by giving a phone number or email.

Now that you have all the tools of small talk, your assignment is to practice it. Yikes.

As I said, nothing earth-shattering in here, but in an age of increasing social disconnection because of technology, perhaps these tips could be useful to anyone who is seeking to improve their relationships through small talk.

Recommended for all the tongue-tied bibliophiles out there, like me.

Thanks for reading!

If: The Untold Story of Kipling’s American Years by Christopher Benfey

Christopher Benfey has written a masterful biography of Rudyard Kipling’s years in the United States. It is a little-remembered period from the life of the youngest ever Nobel Prize winner for literature.

“At this remove, it is difficult to recover the sheer depth of reverence once accorded Kipling. “He’s more of a Shakespeare than anyone yet in this generation of ours,” wrote the great American psychologist William James.”

He was friends with Mark Twain. One of Kipling’s books, The Jungle Book, was in Sigmund Freud’s top picks for important books in his life. He has inspired generations of authors and readers with his Just So Stories and poetry.

My husband used to quote some of his poetry to me from memory when we were first dating. Rudyard Kipling is a giant of literature.

Yet he’s also a complex historical figure. “With the rise of postcolonial theory — a view of literature that assesses the human cost of colonial arrangements —Kipling is often treated with unease or hostility in university literature departments, as the jingoist Bard of Empire, a man on the wrong side of history.”

And there’s reasons for this distrust. Kipling penned “The White Man’s Burden”, asking the United States to take up Great Britain’s colonial interests.

So when Benfey examines the life of Kipling, it’s not all hero worship. He is aware of and acknowledges Kipling’s failings, but doesn’t take it out of the context of Kipling’s life and times.

If brings to light previously unknown portions of Kipling’s life and legacy. Some new poetry and personal papers have recently been discovered that Benfey uses to paint a more complete picture of Kipling than perhaps ever before.

Readers learn of the friendships Kipling had with some of the political giants in the United States. We also get to peek into Kipling’s private life and share some of the intense sorrows he experienced in his own childhood and with his children.

There’s an examination of how opium use affected Kipling’s writings. We travel with Kipling to Japan on his honeymoon. And we learn about the great writer’s obsession with, of all things, beavers.

This most interesting part of all of it is, though he lived in the Gilded Age, how similar Kipling’s times were to today.

“It was an era, like our own, of vast disparities between rich and poor, of corruption on an appalling scale, of large-scale immigration and rampant racism, of disruptive new technologies and new media, of mushrooming factories and abandoned farms, of vanishing wildlife and the depredation of public lands.”

So, despite his astonishing literary genius, Kipling was just a man. He had his flaws and his dark side. And after his death, he left behind a treasury of written works that carry his legacy into the unknowable future. A future that, if we try, perhaps we can make more than one man’s limited imagination could contain.

Recommended for readers who enjoy forgotten history in all its imperfections and glory.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a free digital advance reader’s copy of this book. The brief quotations I cited in this review may change or even be omitted in the final version.

Here’s the History Guy’s take on Rudyard Kipling that I wrote the script for and thanks for reading!:

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

Brené Brown shares her twelve years of research into shame and gives tools on how to increase one’s vulnerability. In this way, she believes each individual can help change the culture of scarcity and pull the world back from a continual cycle of shaming.

We’ll build stronger and deeper relationships, strengthen families and have more productive work places. And, by doing this, we will each, in our own way, live in a manner that “dares greatly” every day.

“I also learned that the people who love me, the people I really depend on, were never the critics who were pointing at me while I stumbled. They weren’t in the bleachers at all. They were with me in the arena. Fighting for me and with me.” pg 56

I’m going to use the information in this book the most in my work life. As a writer, I attach far too much significance to my work product on the audience’s response to it rather than my own feelings about it. As Brown so clearly points out in this book, an outside response will never be good enough or big enough to fill the need that I am looking to fill with their words or their views. Or, if it is wildly praised, perhaps the next work won’t be, and then I’m right back to where I started.

“You still want folks to like, respect, and even admire what you’ve created, but your self-worth is not on the table. You know that you are far more than a painting, an innovative idea, an effective pitch, a good sermon, or a high Amazon.com ranking.” pg 64

This desire for connection and a feeling of worthiness, Brown says, comes from the need to survive by belonging to a group. Our brains have evolved to encourage us to belong and form connections. And when we don’t by not believing in our own self worth or experiencing shame, it is a physically painful emotion. People do all sorts of things to avoid feeling shame including pulling away or striking out. But, in the end, these connections are life itself.

“Buber wrote, “When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.” pg 150

As interesting as I found Brown’s research to be, she lost me when she began a discussion about how much vulnerability is enough or too much and walking the tightrope between extremes. So, be authentic, but don’t use it to manipulate people. A few sentences covers what Brown uses 50 pages to unpack.

“When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.” pg 169

Her message becomes a bit undefined and more general the further the book goes. That’s not to say it couldn’t be useful for readers who are looking for that type of information. I didn’t find it particularly engaging.

Like any self help book, I think sometimes authors and researchers can get lost in the weeds of the problem. I far more prefer to focus on the solution. In this case, that’s being brave enough to show up and be seen, demonstrating vulnerability and willingness to care about whatever is going on wherever we find ourselves throughout the day. As Brown reminds readers, it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about being there. And that’s a message worth spreading.

“To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.” pg 110

I’m game. Are you?

Thanks for reading!

The Test by Sylvain Neuvel

The Test is a science fiction short story detailing a sinister new type of citizenship test and a possible dark future humanity could face.

“I am the only one taking the test. Only men. Only between the ages of sixteen and forty-five. She said it was unfair. I told her it was a blessing. I do not care what their motivations are; it is a simple matter of probabilities.” pg 12

Photo by Startup Stock Photos on Pexels.com

Idir Jalil was a dentist in Teheran. He wants to immigrate with his wife and children to the United Kingdom. But first, he has to pass the test.

“Guns and impunity. This is why we’re here.” pg 21

As technology advances, one can’t help but wonder what sorts of new programs are going to be created. Passports with radio frequency identification chips already exist. Will we soon start putting computer chips in ourselves?

And with all of these changes, how do we hold on to our essential humanity? The test Idir receives has significant consequences for him.

Beyond the question of technology, Sylvain Neuvel also tackles how immigration procedures have a dehumanizing effect. When you’re reducing people to statistics and probabilities, you dismiss everything else that makes someone a person.

Countries around the world continue to struggle with immigration issues. I wish there were easy answers. Aren’t we all citizens of this planet?

Thanks for reading!

The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert

Alice and her mother live their lives on the road. Everywhere they go, they’re haunted by misfortune. Alice calls it bad luck. It could be something worse.

“We moved at least twice a year and sometimes more, but the bad luck always found us.” pg 12, ebook

Her grandmother, Althea Proserpine, was the creator of a whispered-about collection of fairy tale stories. For almost her entire life, Alice has wanted to read the collection but her mother forbids it and copies are impossible to find. Althea lives the life of a hermit on a secluded property called the Hazel Wood.

“My grandmother’s estate, which I’d only seen in photos, felt like a place I remembered from some alternate, imaginary childhood. One where I rode horses and went to summer camp.” pg 10, ebook

One day, Alice’s mother disappears and, in order to find her, Alice is going to have to go into the Hazel Wood, a place that holds secrets darker than she’s ever imagined.

“My situation hit me hard. Homeless. Without my mom. Being stalked, by something I couldn’t see the breadth of or understand.”pg 79

Melissa Albert has created a fairy tale for young adults that I think would have been more fun if she’d gone the non-YA route.

My favorite parts were the fantasy stories themselves within the story. I found them to be very reminiscent of Catherynne Valente, whom Albert lists as one of her favorite authors in the back of this book.

They’re hard-edged, glittering things. These are creepy fairy tales, not made for children.

“On a cold day in a distant kingdom, a daughter was born to a queen and king. Her eyes were shiny and black all over, and the midwife laid her in the queen’s arms and fled.” pg 69

I can understand why some readers didn’t like this book with its twisted stories. They’re unnerving, popping in and out of the narrative. And, as I said before, I felt like this book twisted itself into knots trying to be a young adult read when, in reality, I think it could have just been dark fantasy.

There’s a love interest who, I thought, sort of gets in the way except as a young adult plot device.

The main character, Alice, is a cold young woman with little concern for anyone in her life except her mother. I can also see why readers didn’t warm up to her, but it didn’t bother me all that much. I figured, with someone moving around as much as she did, how would Alice figure out how to have normal relationships? It fit.

In conclusion, I liked The Hazel Wood but didn’t love it. Personally, I think it’s worth the read for the interesting short fantasy stories alone. But if you’re not into that kind of thing, this book probably won’t appeal.

Thanks for reading!

The Botany of Desire: A Plant’s-Eye View of the World by Michael Pollan

Packed with food-related history, trivia and stories, Michael Pollan attempts to explain how four types of plants have had such a large effect on humanity.

“We automatically think of domestication as something we do to other species, but it makes just as much sense to think of it as something certain plants and animals have done to us, a clever evolutionary strategy for advancing their own interests.”

I believe that our lives are intimately intertwined with our environment, even if we can’t quite see how. Pollan removes the veil between apples, tulips, marijuana, potatoes, and mankind in order to illustrate how the plants evolved and what kinds of shenanigans they’ve brought on civilization in the process.

“Our grammar might teach us to divide the world into active subjects and passive objects, but in a coevolutionary relationship every subject is also an object, every object a subject. That’s why it makes just as much sense to think of agriculture as something the grasses did to people as a way to conquer the trees.”

My favorite chapter was about the tulips. Did you know at one point in the Dutch Republic a tulip bulb cost as much as a house? It was called “tulipmania” and it caused enormous havoc in the local economy when the tulip bubble burst.

I also learned about the evolution of flowers, which I didn’t know anything about before reading this. I had only ever considered them from a spiritual perspective — I think it was Eckhart Tolle who talked about flowers being the “spiritual evolution of plants”. It’s rather interesting actually if you’re into that kind of thing.

“But I do wonder if it isn’t significant that our experience of flowers is so deeply drenched in our sense of time. Maybe there’s a good reason we find their fleetingness so piercing, can scarcely look at a flower in bloom without thinking ahead, whether in hope or regret.

Pollan’s writing style wanders no where quickly, so readers who have little patience for storytelling non-fiction may want to choose a different book. I rather liked it.

I think he may have oversimplified the plants and humanity relationship by picking only one motivating desire per plant. Let’s be real, things are never as simple as that. But for the premise of this book, it worked well enough.

Basically, The Botany of Desire encourages readers to consider what plants get from us as much as what we get from them. It’s a different perspective, like looking at your home from the level of a toddler rather than your usual height. There’s things to learn and puzzle out and discover that you may have never even imagined.

Recommended for readers interested in botany and different worldviews. Thanks for reading!

Zen Cat by Judith Adler

Judith Adler matches peaceful pictures of cats with various quotations from throughout history to create “Zen Cat”.

It’s funny, even though I consider myself a “cat person”, I liked Adler’s Zen Dog more than this feline version.

Cats are so contained. When you’re looking at the photos of the dogs, there’s an exuberance or bottled energy there that just doesn’t seem to show up for the cats.

However, the book does have beautiful photos and quotations. Take this one from Rumi that is arranged next to a photo of a black cat viewing itself in a mirror: “We are the mirror as well as the face in it. We are tasting the taste this minute of eternity.

Or this one by Buddha which is paired with a cat on an urban street: “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way, and not starting.”

Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on Pexels.com

And finally, a simple photo of a grey cat looking directly at the camera: “I love all solitary places, where we taste the pleasure of believing what we see is boundless, as we wish our souls to be.” by Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Even though I found the dog version more compelling, cat lovers may still feel the need to have this as a coffee table book. For everybody else, I recommend borrowing it from the library.

Thanks for reading!

The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss

“I’ve spent the last three years traveling among those who live in worlds currently beyond your imagination. Rather than hating reality, I’ll show you how to bend it to your will. It’s easier than it sounds.”

Photo by Ronu00ea Ferreira on Pexels.com

Timothy Ferriss promises the stars in the sky in his new-classic business/self help book, The 4-Hour Workweek. Though he gives some good productivity tips, he fails to provide a true road map to freeing yourself from the 9-to-5 grind. Partially, this is because there is no real road map to doing this.

But he does detail how he found his way into a life of his dreams. Readers can take whatever lessons and information from that as they will.

After Ferriss relates a timeline of his life story, he begins by detailing his “DEAL” plan to a four hour work week which consists of “definition, elimination, automation and liberation”. Each step of this process, he says, helps guide the reader to a new world of free time. Though, he admits, traditional bosses may have serious problems with your new program and, perhaps, you should go more “DELA”. Yes, understatement.

“Resolve now to test the concepts as an exercise in lateral thinking. If you try it, you’ll see just how deep the rabbit hole goes, and you won’t ever go back.”

He examines the concepts of “busy work” and suggests boiling your workload down to the most important tasks you complete. Then, just do those as fast as possible. Don’t allow yourself to be derailed by the internet or chatty coworkers. (Not a friendly method, but Ferriss seems to have his eyes on the prize rather than concerning himself with making friends.)

Out of everything he suggests in the first part of this book, I was most taken with the idea of only checking your email once a day or week. There is a definite time-suck there that maybe I have been blinding myself to.

After that, Ferriss enters more conceptual territory with an idea about creating a business for yourself that essentially runs itself or can be run by someone else, cheaply. For example, a website that sells something awesome. But, what exactly that something or muse is, that’s for you, the reader, to discover on your own.

It reminded me of Godin’s Purple Cow: Transform Your Business by Being Remarkable. You know an awesome product or “purple cow” when you see it, but how exactly to make one isn’t a clear thing. Interesting idea, but necessarily helpful for those looking for actionable items to improve their work life.

The most useful part of the book, in my opinion, is his encouragement to create a dream plan by “dreamlining”. Write down what you want to do. Create a timeline. Crunch the numbers. It may cost less than you thought and, with it on paper, it takes on a bit of reality already. If you don’t get started, how do you know what you might accomplish.

“It’s lonely at the top. Ninety-nine percent of people in the world are convinced they are incapable of achieving great things, so they aim for the mediocre. The level of competition is thus fiercest for ‘realistic’ goals, paradoxically making them the most time-and energy-consuming. It is easier to raise $1,000,000 than it is $100,000.”

Ferriss’ tone in this book has been criticized by readers and I see what they mean. Some of his ideas are alienating. Sometimes he seems to say: I’ve done this-this-this and this, and it’s so easy that if you can’t figure it out too, especially with the book I’ve put in your hands, then you must be either complacent or dumb.

But I took this book to be written by someone who dared, a nod to Brené Brown, greatly. Ferriss believed his life could be something other than a slog and yours could too. He’s written down some tips to help you along the way that he discovered through real life trial and error. Read it or not. He’ll be over there, living the life of his dreams.

Recommended, with reservations, to folks interested in life-hacking their work/life balance. I think we can achieve whatever dreams we set our minds to while still being friendly.

Thanks for reading!

The Trespasser (Dublin Murder Squad #6) by Tana French

“The case comes in, or anyway it comes in to us, on a frozen dawn in the kind of closed-down January that makes you think the sun’s never going to drag itself back above the horizon.” pg 1, ebook.

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Pexels.com

And so begins the final book (so far) in Tana French’s masterful Dublin Murder Squad series. This entry follows Detectives Antoinette Conway and Steve Moran, the duo readers met in the last book, as they try to solve, what at first appears to be, a simple domestic disturbance. Little do they know, what they discover will challenge all of their assumptions about their roles in the Murder Squad and their own investigative skills.

“Before we check out the rest of the cottage, I squat down by the body and carefully, one-fingered, hook back her hair from her face. Steve moves in beside me. Every Murder D I’ve ever known does it: takes one long look at the victim’s face.” pg 24

The investigation, especially the interrogation scenes, are intense and what I’ve come to expect from this series. It’s a thrilling who-done-it with complex characters and relationships. I really enjoyed it.

“The pressure level means Murder is balanced so finely that it only takes a few new heads to shift the whole feel of the squad: turn that big cat rogue and edgy, set that rifle warping towards its moment to blow up in your face.” pg 23, ebook

Conway, the only woman on the murder squad, feels as if she has been singled out and shut out of the camaraderie of the rest of the group. So, she feels like she has more to prove when the investigation becomes more complex than she expected.

Conway, the narrator this time around (they change in each book), isn’t my favorite character, but she’s someone I’d respect and give plenty of space so I didn’t come into her crosshairs.

“Unless I missed your promotion, we’re on the same squad, and this is my investigation. Which means you’re the cheeky little bollix who’s getting above himself, and you’re the one who needs to bear in mind who’s who here.” pg 138, ebook.

Frankly, I’m sorry I’ve read the final book French has written for the murder squad. However, in a May 2019 interview, she didn’t dismiss the idea of writing another book for the series at some point in the future. So, readers can rejoice!

It’s just not written yet. Sigh.

Highly recommended for fans of thrillers and mysteries. Thanks for reading!

The Help Desk Book Blog

Sharing reviews and deep thoughts about life.

Tag: Reviews

The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine

If: The Untold Story of Kipling’s American Years by Christopher Benfey

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

The Test by Sylvain Neuvel

The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert

Zen Cat by Judith Adler

The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss

The Trespasser (Dublin Murder Squad #6) by Tana French

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