Tag: interpersonal communication

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

You’re Not Listening is a fun and enlightening non-fiction read about, you guessed it, listening. Theoretically, we all have the capability of listening, but, as author Kate Murphy points out, we kind of suck at it.

“This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo.” pg 3

From politics to business, scientific studies to families, Murphy illustrates pitfalls on the path of active listening and highlights the fact that rhetoric and conversational skills are taught all over the world. The other half of the equation, listening to the information that’s delivered, is not.

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“Done well and with deliberation, listening can transform your understanding of the people and the world around you, which inevitably enriches and elevates your experience and existence. It is how you develop wisdom and form meaningful relationships.” pg 4

In the modern age of social media and the ability to establish instantaneous connections all around the world, you would think people would be feeling more interconnected than ever. Not so, says Murphy.

“People get lonely for lack of listening. Psychology and sociology researchers have begun warning of an epidemic of loneliness in the United States. Experts are calling it a public health crisis, as loneliness increases the risk of death as much as obesity, alcoholism, and heart disease combined.” pg 9

All of our technology bombards us with information while at the same time diverting our attention from the people in our physical lives. It is not just a matter of deciding who to listen to; it’s also a question of shrinking attention spans and one of the many challenges faced by a technologically advanced society. Meanwhile, we’re blasting out our own thoughts and feelings as quickly as they arise… so who has time for any of that?

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“It takes awareness, focus, and experience to unearth and understand what is really being communicated. Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way.” pg 69

I love books that I learn from and that help me become the type of person whom I aspire to be. You’re Not Listening ticks both those boxes in a big way. I can’t recommend it enough for readers who enjoy non-fiction, learning, and the eternal quest of self improvement.

Thank you to the publisher for a free advance reader’s copy of this book.

The Power of Charm: How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation by Brian Tracy and Ron Arden

The Power of Charm: How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation by Brian Tracy and Ron Arden

The Power of Charm is a book written for business professionals, who want to give themselves a bit of a leg up, by increasing their charm potential.

I found the book to be interesting, but it also flirts with the line between charming and manipulating. I suppose we could ask ourselves if, at the end of the day, there is any difference between the two.

Personally, I think there is.

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In my mind, charm is unrehearsed, natural and springs from a genuine interest in others. Manipulation is ego-driven scheming. But, both can get you what you want.

I’m torn as to how this book actually fell on that scale. Some of the exercises feel like charm practices- others, like manipulation strategies.

Essentially, Brian Tracy and Ron Arden give listening and speaking tips to better understand whoever it is you’re interacting with. There’s nothing all that manipulative about polishing your communication skills.

On the other hand, in the chapter entitled: “Do Your Homework” in which the authors say, “Anytime you are getting together with someone, socially or professionally, whom you particularly want to impress, do your homework. Learn what you can about that person before you actually meet. It’s the best way to be charming and interesting to others.” pg 107. It didn’t sit so well with me.

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Here’s why- Tracy gives the following story as an example: “I learned of a successful business owner with a crack sales team who was discontented with the company he was representing. … In asking around, I discovered that he was heavily into numerology and made all his decisions based on the numbers of the birth dates of potential business partners… One of his first questions of me was my birthday. I was prepared. I told him that it was a certain day, month, and year that added up to a ‘lucky number’ for business relationships. … The preparation was the key.” pg 108.

That smacks to me of manipulation rather than charm. What do you think?

On the other hand, I seriously appreciated the tips on how to become a better conversationalist. I’ve got some work to do there.

Generally, I let my fast-talking husband take the lead in social conversations because he always has something to say. I see now how that may be a disservice to others who may want to get to know me better.

“The Secret of Charm: The deepest craving of human nature is the need to feel valued and valuable. The secret of charm is therefore simple: make others feel important.” pg 12.

It is as simple and powerful as that. I’d also recommend being kind. The world could use more charm and kindness.

Recommended for readers who understand the difference between charm and manipulation. I’m not sure that includes me, but I’ve already read it so… sorry.

And thanks for reading!