Rasputin’s Supernatural Dating Service by David D. Hammons

Imagine for a moment that supernatural creatures are real. All of those bloodsucking vampires, toothy werewolves, wandering sasquatch, elves, ghosts, and witches from the stories, they actually exist. Why would all of these beings have notoriously difficult relationships with humans from hauntings to kidnappings to feasts made of human flesh? Rasputin has a theory. He thinks that they’re looking for love in all the wrong places. And the answer to the world’s problems lies through the doors of Rasputin’s Supernatural Dating Service.

Rasputin is THE Rasputin, a seemingly immortal mystic from tsarist Russia who has a way with the ladies, the supernatural, and, sometimes, the men too if he’s in the right mood. This ancient horn dog steers the agency from the golden hot tub in his office and sends his agents throughout the country, certifying legitimate supernatural creatures for dating service access. Eli Kowalski, the narrator, is one of those agents. His troubles begin when a vampires gives him an ancient artifact of unimaginable power and a sinister supernatural creature begins hunting Eli in order to take this power for himself.

Is this story ridiculous? Yes, it is. Did I love it? Surprisingly, yes, I did. David Hammons reminds me of a young Christopher Moore, a silly storyteller with heart. If you can see the humor in an elderly mystic driving a phallic shaped hot rod while demanding that his dating service underlings call him “the Love Machine” then you may enjoy this story too.

Just to give you a taste, here is Eli reading the privacy policy of the Supernatural Dating Service: “Your information will not be shared with any non-Certified member, nor will your home address, dwelling, lair, ethereal plane, or other physical, metaphysical, neo-physical, and existential contact details be divulged to any group outside the RSDS and appropriate government agencies. … Your privacy is important to us, as is your ability to make sweet love to whatever creature you desire.” Lawyers required us to say most of that. Rasputin required us to say the last part.” loc 106, ebook.

Recommended for readers who enjoyed Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal or almost anything by Tom Holt.

Thank you to NetGalley and Curiosity Quills Press for a free advance reader’s copy of this book. And thank you for reading!

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

This was the description from Goodreads:

“Audrey Niffenegger’s dazzling debut is the story of Clare, a beautiful, strong-minded art student, and Henry, an adventuresome librarian, who have known each other since Clare was six and Henry was thirty-six, and were married when Clare was twenty-three and Henry thirty-one. Impossible but true, because Henry is one of the first people diagnosed with Chrono-Displacement Disorder: his genetic clock randomly resets and he finds himself misplaced in time, pulled to moments of emotional gravity from his life, past and future.”
Goodreads

Photo by Aphiwat chuangchoem on Pexels.com

Unpopular opinion time: I found the story to be quite different from that and have to say a big no thank you to The Time Traveler’s Wife.

To the legions of fans of this book, I’d like to know what you enjoyed about it. What did I miss? I see that it’s won a pile of awards and I just don’t get it.

I thought I was in for a sweet romance but all I got was a time traveler who cheated at the lottery, beat people up for clothes, and engaged in sexual hijinks with time traveling versions of himself.

I was completely creeped out by the fact that Henry is Clare’s best friend from the time that she was 6. She was groomed from that young age to be his wife, no matter that it wasn’t consummated until later. How awful is that.

When she is essentially date raped, she doesn’t go to the police, Clare goes to Henry who engages in some vigilante justice. It was horrible what happened to her, but she should have reported it to the authorities.

The yuck factor from a bunch of places absolutely ruined the book for me not to mention that fact that Clare never really had a childhood or life at all without Henry in it. That’s not romantic, it’s sad.

Anyway, my apologies if you loved it. Like I said, I am willing to consider other opinions on this book, I just really can’t recommend it.

Thanks for reading.

Under the Empyrean Sky (The Heartland Trilogy #1) by Chuck Wendig

Under the Empyrean Sky is the story of Cael and his friends, Rigo and Lane. They live in the Heartland, an agrarian world of genetically modified corn where no other crops thrive because of the aggressiveness of the new crop. There is little to no opportunity for education or work because the Empyreans, a separate section of their society that cruises overhead on their giant, flying machines, controls every aspect of their life from the food that they eat to who they can marry. Cael is the head of a scavenger crew who, in the course of their work day, stumbles across a forbidden garden and their lives change course forever.

This story was exciting. From the first scene of a race between scavenger crews for a malfunctioning piece of farm equipment to the end with an inevitable clash with the Empyrean, the story unfolds at a breakneck pace. If Cael isn’t dodging the local Overseers, he’s sneaking into quarantined cities or trying to harvest illicit vegetables. I loved how this novel was nearly constant action.

The dystopian world that Wendig creates feels scary and out of control. The plants, that the Heartlanders are forced to cultivate, attack them. The Empyreans, who aren’t properly introduced in this novel but I assume that they will be in future books, are outlandishly rich, extremely powerful through their advanced technology, and completely removed from the reality on the ground. The local authorities take advantage of the power of their position to line their own pockets at the expense of their neighbors. The reader feels Cael’s fury at his inability to control his life and the unfairness of the situation into which he was born.

It’s a small thing, but I didn’t like how the first half of the book was told nearly exclusively from Cael’s point of view and then towards the second half, the viewpoint began to bounce around between Cael and his friends. I think I would have enjoyed the story more if the narrator had remained the same throughout or had switched around from the beginning.

Another small complaint about the story is that the Empyrean lottery to join the ruling class on their air ships felt a lot like The Hunger Games or The Giver but with the outcome being presumably positive instead of a death match. Maybe it’s time for YA dystopian literature to move away from the lottery scenario.

That being said, fans of The Hunger Games or other survival/dystopian stories may really enjoy Under the Empyrean Sky. It’s fast-paced and surprising in its twists and turns. I sincerely hope that Cael’s story turns out well, but with the enormous odds stacked against him, it seems almost impossible that it could. I guess I’ll have to read the next book and find out.

I received this book as part of the Goodreads First Reads giveaway program.

Thanks for reading!

The Devourers by Indra Das

A wholly original shape-shifter tale that also delves into identity, gender roles, and love. Alok is a college professor who is approached one night by a person who claims to be more than a man. Alok doesn’t believe the stranger until an unbelievable vision, caused by the man’s hypnotic words, appears in Alok’s mind. Suddenly, the stranger’s claims that he’s a werewolf don’t seem so far fetched. The stranger, who won’t reveal his name, has a job for Alok, the transcription of an ancient narrative that was written by a shape-shifter, a creature of magic and blood that consumes humans like prey. Through his work on the story, Alok comes to know the stranger and a world that is beyond anything he ever dreamed.

If rape, gore, or graphic sex bother you- you may want to pass on The Devourers as it contains much of all of those things. The heart of the story, about what makes a man, a man and a monster, a monster, are worth the read, but I can see how this book may not be for everyone. “Listen,” he repeats. He is not looking at me. “I am going to tell you a story, and it is true.” pg 8. Personally, I thought that The Devourers was magical, but repetitive. I understand why the author took us in loops and it did lend a beautiful symmetry to the work, but I thought, in a couple different places, that yet another gory kill or another description of blood or urine running down someone’s leg wasn’t needed. “And here where we stand, long before India, before its empires and kingdoms, there were human tribes who identified with dogs and wolves, with wild animals. And there were, and still are, tribes who are not human, who identify with humans in similar ways. Who take the shape of humans, just as humans took the shape of animals by wearing skins.” pg 16.

Indra Das’ vision of shape-shifters as different from each other as people from different cultures was fascinating. By presenting his magical creatures in the manner that they were remembered by the humans they fed upon, he fit the mythologies of a myriad of different countries into one story and it was a perfect fit- the shape-shifters in deserts became the djinn, the ones from Europe were werewolves or vampires, the ones in India were tigers or demons. “To me, to my kind. You are prey. … Something to kill, and sustain us.” “You are cannibals then.” “No, we do not eat our own kind. We eat you, little Cyrah. You keep forgetting-we are not human.” We are the devouring, not the creative.” pg 126

It was in the “devouring, not the creative” mindset of the shape-shifters that Indra explores the traditional roles and balance of power between men and women: “Women create. Men inflict violence on you, envious and fearful, desperate to share in that ability. And it is this hateful battle that keeps your kind extant. You have taught me that your race’s love is just a beautifully woven veil, to make pretty shadows out of a brutal war.” pg 213. One of the main points of this story is that this particular view is not true, but you can see how a creature that only continues to exist through constant violence, could interpret the relationship between the sexes like that. Love and hate are opposite sides to the same coin after all. “I’ve never loved a man in my life, but I’m not fool enough to think that there are no men and women in this world who truly love each other, and love their children together, and did not conceive them through violence and pain.” pg 225.

I haven’t begun to plumb the depths of what The Devourers is about, but I don’t want to ruin this complex fantasy for anyone who’s interested in experiencing it for him or herself. Recommended for readers who like their fantasies to have an adult edge and a grittiness to them. Some similar reads: In the Night Garden, The Last Werewolf, or Hyde.

Thanks for reading.

The Dream-Quest of Vellitt Boe by Kij Johnson

Warning: minor spoilers ahead! Read with caution.

Weird and wonderful short tale of a university professor who is looking for a missing student. I hadn’t read any of Lovecraft’s stories but I still enjoyed this very much.

First of all, I learned what a group of cats is called: “A clowder had congregated with the quad, as well; they ceased whatever was their business and watched as Vellitt and Oure passed, and one, a small black cat, separated itself from the rest and followed them into Jurat’s stairwell.” pg 15. A clowder, how cool is that. I nearly have a clowder of cats at my house. Also, this story has a bit about talking to cats: “In her far-travelling days, Vellitt had known a dreamer who claimed to understand the speech of cats, but of all the cats she had ever met in Ulthar- a town crammed with them- none had ever spoken to her, nor anyone else; none that she knew, anyway.” pg 43, ebook.

Besides all of the cat things, there is an awesome twist to this story:“When Vellitt Bow was young, she had been a far-traveller, a great walker of the Six Kingdoms, which waking-world men called the dream lands.”pg 29 If I had read a Lovecraft novel, I wouldn’t have been so surprised about this aspect of the world. So, happy accident for me. 🙂

There’s also a silly bit about librarians that I have to include because, well, you know: “She reopened the book and began to read, but an aged man in violet robes so old they had faded to lavender entered the room and castigated her for touching the books. Despite the differences in language, age, and sex, his tone was a mirror of that of Uneshyl Pos, the librarian at the Women’s College; for all librarians are the same librarian.” pg 55. Pretty much.

The criticism of the original work, that I only caught because it hit me like a ton of bricks, was the sexism built into it. Like I said, I wouldn’t known, having not read it, but read this passage: “Women don’t dream large dreams,” he had said, dismissively. “It is all babies and housework. Tiny dreams.” pg 71. Well, we all know that’s not right. Thank you, Kij Johnson, for writing a version of the world that I really enjoyed.

Recommended for readers who enjoy adventure, horror, and fantasy fiction. You also may appreciate it more if you read the original text, but as you can see from my review, that’s not required.

Thanks for reading.

Cinder (The Lunar Chronicles #1) by Marissa Meyer

Typical young adult fantasy in that the ‘big twist’ was obvious from the start, but this story still has some charm. Cinder is a cyborg mechanic who wants to go to the ball, but she doesn’t have the time or money to do so. She lives in a world where cyborgs are despised, but tolerated. Humankind is suffering from a plague, one which strikes without warning and leaves the affected dead within days. There’s a draft for cyborgs to be tested upon in order to find a cure for this disease but Cinder is lucky in that her number hasn’t been drawn yet.

Unfortunately for the citizens of New Beijing, the emperor has been struck down with this disease. His son, Kai, is not ready to take the throne, but he doesn’t have time to prepare because an evil Queen from Luna is headed to the planet, presumably to marry Kai and extend her holdings from the moon to earth. Queen Levannah is a member of the race called Lunars who, though once regular settlers from earth, have evolved the ability to control their bio-electric energy and can make others do their bidding. The stage is set for an epic show down between prince, cyborg, and moon queen and it’s all going to happen at, of course, the ball.

Which, like in the original Cinderella tale, was my favorite part. Meyer’s plot very slowly winds itself towards this pivotal moment and I loved her take on the ‘slipper’ left on the stairs. I listened to this audio book on my commute to work but, when I got to the ending, I had to finish it in one night rather than waiting for the next day. That says something, I think, about the power of the story once it gets going despite my lukewarm feelings for the first part of it. Also, I’m on the hold list for the next digital audio book which also says something about this tale. I grew fond of Cinder as the story progressed but not of much else.

Other than the true magic of the ball, readers will find much of Cinder predictable and slow. Only recommended for the serious connoisseur of young adult novels and similar to: Splintered, Ash & Bramble, or The Girl of Fire and Thorns.

The 13½ Lives of Captain Bluebear (Zamonien #1) by Walter Moers

Captain Bluebear tells the story of his first 13-1/2 lives spent on the mysterious continent of Zamonia, where intelligence is an infectious disease, water flows uphill, and dangers lie in wait for him around every corner. -Summary from Goodreads.com

This book was very strange. It reminded me of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator by Roald Dahl. Moers writes page after page of strange creatures, worlds, and circumstances that are only connected because Bluebear passes through them. And, like in Dahl’s book, I felt like the author was always hinting about a greater truth behind the story, as if The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear was more a gigantic allegory than a children’s book. I enjoyed the fantastic nature of it but I didn’t like the long lists of creatures that read more like crazy encyclopedic entries than an actual story with characters.

Some parts that I enjoyed and there were so many to choose from-
During the life with the Minipirates: “I must, however, admit to having been influenced by their richly embroidered tales and extravagant flights of fancy. They taught me that a good white lie is often considerably more exciting than the truth. Telling one is like dressing up reality in its Sunday best.” pg 19

During Bluebear’s time at the Nocturnal Academy: “One night, Knio and I had an argument about the nature of the universe. He had an appallingly crude conception of the physical world. “The earth is a bun floating in a bucket of water,” he asserted defiantly. “And what is the bucket standing on?” I demanded, trying to floor him. “The bucket stands on the back of the Great Cleaner who polishes the universe to all eternity,” Knio replied self-confidently. “This universe that she polishes so assiduously,” I said, “What in the world does that stand on?” “The universe doesn’t stand on anything, it lies,” Weeny put in. “The universe is as flat as a slice of sausage, you see.” pg 159

“From the Encyclopedia of Marvels, Life Forms and Other Phenomena of Zamonia and its Environs by Professor Abdullah Nightingale. Multidimensional Space: … Simply picture a train travelling through a black hole with a candle on its roof while you yourself, with a candle on your head, are standing on Mars and winding a clock precisely one yard in diameter, and while an owl, which also has a candle on its head and is travelling in the opposite direction to the train at the speed of light, is flying through a tunnel in the process of being swallowed by another black hole which likewise has a candle on its head (if you can imagine a black hole with a candle on its head, though for that you will require at least four brains).” pg 256

From his life in the Eternal Tornado: “One day (the Eternal tornado) swallowed an entire library, and since then a man named Gnothi C. Auton had been busy retrieving books from the sand, arranging them, cataloguing them, and lending them out.” pg 361 Wink, wink, my librarian friends, wink, nudge!

On being questioned by the Zamonium: “Next question, subject Grailsundian demonology: What are Nether Zamonian Diabolic Elves, and how many would fit on a pinhead?” pg 658 So clever.

If you enjoyed The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear, you may also enjoy almost anything written by Terry Pratchett or The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Thanks for reading!

Iron Soul: The Ritual of Passage by Tony Floyd

ironsoul An ambitious book with complex world building, I nearly gave up on Iron Soul because I felt like it was too much for one story. But, I stuck with it and really enjoyed the ending. Here’s just a taste of this book: there’s multiple worlds in which the dead spend their after lives that all have their own sets of immortal (sort of) warriors each with their own unique magic system, the struggles of the dead stuck on Earth, the plight of the dead who don’t know that they’re dead, the living who have no faith and no where to go after they die, the spaces between the worlds that are filled with monsters, a sophisticated system of hierarchy and trade among souls, a process of augmentation of powers among the dead, souls trapped in dolls, animal spirits and soul bonding…

That’s all in addition to the basic story line- Aldus fights spectres and saves lost souls, he is called a Ferryman. While out on duty, he finds a powerful soul bound to Earth, whose name is Robert. Together, with a Jewish warrior named Benjamin, an ancient animal spirit, and an unlikely wandering soul who is bound in an unexpected container, Aldus and Robert will face one of the greatest threats that the living and immortal worlds have ever known- a mad man who will stop at nothing to allow spectres (monstrous spirits) to enter the world and prey on the living. Like I said, this is very ambitious and well-conceived novel but I felt that the book, like Robert in his earth bound chains, struggles under the huge weight of so many story elements.

The characterizations were awesome though:
“Aldus Vorkis was an old soul. To an elder Ferryman of his caliber there were ways, there were means, there were paths, and therein lay the answers for every question worth answering if people could only be bothered to take the time and look.” loc 78, ebook. Aldus makes an excellent mentor figure.

Robert was my favorite character: “Being an Iron Soul is not just about raw power, Robert. You were isolated from any true, intelligent contact whatsoever for two hundred years, boy, and yet I have no doubt that you are psychologically the same now as when you still lived. An Iron Soul has the power to not only face mighty forces on the same footing, but to also endure trials that would break a normal man’s spirit.” loc 1600, ebook.

This story may not appeal to atheists as atheists are written as clueless wanderers who don’t belong in any after life and are gathered up and shunted to the Christian world out of pity. Liberal readers may also take exception as an abortion clinic is depicted as the spawn point for countless spectres and the greatest of all evils on Earth. Granted, Floyd never uses the world “abortion” but it is clear what he’s talking about. But, on the other hand, this book may appeal to readers because of those very reasons. So, my friends, choose whatever option is appropriate for you. As I said, I was tripping over the sheer amount of information contained in this book and am rarely offended by anything that I read, but I noted it because it could potentially trigger people with strong opinions about these topics one way or another.

Also, I noticed that the Christian and Jewish after lives are shown but no Buddhist, Muslim, or Hindu worlds… yet. They’re hinted at certainly and this is the first book in a series, so maybe Floyd is saving them for later.

This all sounds far more negative than I was intending this review to be. As I said, the ending packs quite a punch (in more ways than one) and if you can wind your way through this book, there are rewards to be found. I very much enjoyed the character development, the relationships between the characters, and Robert’s awesome ride (which I will not detail here as it is one of the best parts of Iron Soul in my opinion). Recommended for readers who enjoy complex science fiction/fantasy and truly unique concepts.

Thank you to NetGalley and North Loop Books for a digital advance reader’s copy of this book! And, thank you for reading!

Splintered by A.G. Howard

Alyssa is a descendant of Alice Liddell- the Alice who inspired Carroll to write his tale of white rabbits and fantastical creatures. But, Alyssa has a family secret: the women of her bloodline go insane when they come of age.

She tries to look on the positive side of this: At least one good thing has come out of my inherited insanity. Without the delusions, I might never have found my artistic medium.” pg 10, ebook.

Alyssa is in love with Jeb, a dark and brooding young man with a penchant for grunge clothing and a lip piercing (that she talks about all the time). But, he is dating the most popular girl in Alyssa’s high school class, Taelor (of course).

Things get really exciting when Alyssa starts to hear voices coming from the bugs and plants.

After a brief introduction where the reader learns that Jeb is freakishly controlling and Alyssa’s mother is in an insane asylum, she falls through a mirror and after some trials, finds her way into Wonderland.

I thought this could have been a potentially interesting re-telling of the classic Alice in Wonderland story, but Splintered‘s uniqueness is stifled under a bunch of teen angst and a love triangle.

Granted, I’m not the target audience for this book, but I’d been on a roll lately with awesome fairy tale re-tellings and I thought I’d give it a shot. Oh well.

I actually enjoyed A.G. Howard’s interpretation of Wonderland itself. The characters were familiar but twisted slightly.

Here’s a passage from the tea party- my favorite part: “Now we need to get back to our world. Like yesterday.” “Yesterday, you say?” the hatmaker warbles in his bouncing timbre. “Yesterday is doable.” Guffawing, the hare slaps a knee and adds, “Although two yesterdays would be impossible.” The Door Mouse snickers, slipping back into his uniform. “No, no! You can retrogress as many yesterdays as you please. Simply walk backward the rest of your life.” pg 187, ebook.

See? Howard nailed the classic characterizations, but Carroll’s original creations were far superior to Alyssa, Jeb, and Morpheus, who were her main contributions to the story.

Disregard my opinions on this book if you simply must read any and all fairy tale re-tellings because, at the very least, it is that.

Just be aware what you’re picking up- a young adult romance/coming of age- and if that’s what you’re in the mood for, you may really enjoy it.

I find that my expectations shape my opinion of a book almost as much as the text itself. For example, I think if I had been warned that Alice in Zombieland had really very little to do with the Wonderland story, I may not have disliked it as much as I did.

Splintered actually has a lot of the original Wonderland in it and, if I had to choose between Alice in Zombieland or Splintered, I’d pick this in a heartbeat.

Some highly recommended horror/fairy tale re-tellings (for adults): Alice or All Darling Children.

Thanks for reading!

The Help Desk Book Blog

Sharing reviews and deep thoughts about life.

Tag: Fantasy

Rasputin’s Supernatural Dating Service by David D. Hammons

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Under the Empyrean Sky (The Heartland Trilogy #1) by Chuck Wendig

The Devourers by Indra Das

The Dream-Quest of Vellitt Boe by Kij Johnson

Cinder (The Lunar Chronicles #1) by Marissa Meyer

The 13½ Lives of Captain Bluebear (Zamonien #1) by Walter Moers

Iron Soul: The Ritual of Passage by Tony Floyd

Splintered by A.G. Howard

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