Tag: empathy

The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress by Val Walker

The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress by Val Walker

“Qualities like gentleness, patience, warmth, and empathy can be so undervalued in this day and age that when we need to sit down with someone devastated by a loss or turbulent change in their lives, we often feel unsure about what to say or do.” pg 7, ebook.

Author Val Walker discovered first-hand that there is a lack of knowledge about offering comfort in the modern age. She was going through a divorce and relocation, and had no one to confide in. She said her friends and family members were either too busy to give her some of their time or they gave her a type of attention she didn’t desire- like mouthing platitudes or giving unwelcome advice.

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Walker realized that society has lost its ability to do something as simple as listen and be present. She wrote this book to help others offer this gift to those around them.

“Presence. Unshakable, steady, tender, and empathic presence. Soft strength. That was comfort.” pg 10, ebook

She dispels many myths about what comforting may look like, including my concern that I never know what to say when someone shares their inner turmoil with me.

“Myth: Comforters always know what to say. We don’t have to know the right thing to say. Sometimes there is really nothing that can be said.” pg 21, ebook

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After that, Walker interviews mental health professionals from many different modalities, offering different ways that these comforters approach and soothe those around them. From creating art to writing to simply watching television together, there are so many opportunities to spend time and connect with someone in need.

“The language of comforting is a language like any other- it can be learned but, once mastered, can become as effortless as breathing. And if our words and gestures are warm, empathic, and respectful, they will help to create a safe space for the comforter and the one being comforted to inhabit.” pg 81

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The past year has been devastating for so many. I picked up this book because I never know what to say when someone comes to me with pain or disappointment or heartbreak.

Walker has reassured me that sometimes the best help anyone can give another is to say nothing at all but to offer the gift of your presence and attention. Because at the end of the day, another word for ‘comfort’ is ‘love’. And we all know how to do that already, right?

Thanks for reading!

Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence by Daniel J. Siegel

Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence by Daniel J. Siegel

Daniel Siegel, MD, psychiatrist and author, shares his research into neuroscience and a meditation practice he has developed called the “Wheel of Awareness“.

“The Wheel practice is a way to open awareness and cultivate a larger, more expansive container of consciousness. People who participate in the practice seem to be strengthening their minds.” pg 9

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The practice uses focused attention on the senses, bodily sensations, mental activities and interconnectedness, in order to encourage the mind to become more integrated. When this integration happens, the mind gives off certain brainwaves that Siegel and other researchers have measured coming from experienced meditation practitioners such as monks.

Basically, Siegel is using western science in an effort to measure and replicate meditation practices.

The science portions of Aware are not very accessible to the non-scientists readers and I could see that being off-putting. However, if you are interested in the intersection of neuroscience and meditation practice, this book could be incredibly useful to you.

“Where attention goes, neural firing flows, and neural connection grows.” pg 19

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I found the implications of Siegel’s research to be fascinating. He claims, through focused attention, one can change the neural patterns and behavior of the brain. Meditation affects biology in a physically measurable way.

There have been countless studies on the positive benefits of meditation practice, but, I think, fewer on the changes in the function and integration of the mind. The rewards of such can be profound.

“When our minds wander unintentionally, we are not present, we are not receptively aware, we are not mindful, and studies suggest, we inhibit being happy — even if we are daydreaming about exciting things. … Presence cultivates happiness.” pg 49

Besides the Wheel of Awareness portion, the part of Aware I found most helpful was a discussion about the proper cultivation of empathy, the ability to put yourself in another’s place to feel and share what they are feeling.

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Tania Singer, in a presentation to the Dalai Lama, had this advice: “… we need to place empathy in the larger space of altruistic love and compassion. This space will act like a buffer for empathic distress. Since altruism and compassion are positive mental states, they reinforce our courage and give us the resources to deal with the suffering of others in a constructive way.” pg 86

I liked the visual of that and think it will come in handy in the future.

Recommended for non-fiction readers interested in the science behind meditation and the development of presence. Spiritual seekers looking for different meditation methods may want to look for that in another, less technical, book.

Thanks for reading!