Tag: emotional abuse

It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell

It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell
itwasme

Andie Mitchell used food to entertain and provide comfort for herself during a childhood with an artistic but alcoholic father and absent (because she was working three or four jobs) mother. This is her journey through the rocky early years and realization that if she didn’t lose the weight, she was going to suffering serious health problems for the rest of her life.

“What begins as hating the cake for all its multiple layers of luscious temptation spirals quickly into hating myself and all my fat cells. I let myself down. I lament not having more control. pg 15, ebook.

Andie’s overeating starts during her childhood. Her mother went to work on the weekends and her father drank all night and slept most of the morning, leaving Andie to her own devices, which were mainly sugared cereal and cartoons.

Photo by Tijana Drndarski on Pexels.com

I’d pull the box down and go about fetching a bow, a soup spoon, and the whole-milk carton from the fridge. I’d fill the bowl- cereal bobbing in milk to the rim- and make my way to the parlor. There I’d turn on the television and begin what would be hours of watching my favorite cartoons. One cereal bowl would empty without my noticing, and I’d replace it.” pg 27-28, ebook.

So, the loneliness was one of the reasons why she ate. The other was her father was emotionally abusive. She witnessed terrible scenes of him screaming at her mother and brother (Anthony). Andie internalized it and ate away her feelings.

If (my mother) fought back, (my father) roared louder. Or he’d throw something she loved across the room. But those were not the times my chubby body trembled. Those weren’t the times when my spirit split like the walls of our house. No, it was only when Anthony entered the room, when I heard his small voice try desperately to make itself bigger and less boyish, that the pit of my stomach twisted so violently, I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or about to be sick.” pg 36, ebook.

Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

Andie’s mother loves her unconditionally, even when the doctor tells Andie that she needs to lose weight or things are going to get really bad for her. But, when Andie goes away to college, and her mother sees her again for the first time, she can’t hide her surprise at how large her daughter has become. And it is really painful for Andie.

“Until that day, that moment when I felt like a stranger in her eyes, she had been my sole source of comfort. She was the one who loved me unconditionally, who saw me as beautiful regardless. In the past when she noticed my weight, her worry seemed entirely empathetic, a way of loving me in my struggle. Now, it seemed grave.” pg 99, ebook.

Anyone who has struggled with their weight will find something to empathize with in Andie’s book. She wants to be fit, but she doesn’t know how to either eat or exercise in moderation.

Her journey may teach, encourage and cheer others on their way to a smaller size. Andie has been there and knows the daily struggles.

Thanks for reading!

Diary of an Oxygen Thief by Anonymous

Diary of an Oxygen Thief by Anonymous

Did you like the emotionally disturbing/psychological train wreck that was Gone Girl? You may really enjoy this one. The Oxygen Thief may be the male equivalent to Amy Dunne.

Diary of an Oxygen Thief is written as an actual diary by, as you can see above, Anonymous. The story starts in London. He’s an alcoholic who discovers that he loves emotionally abusing women but, as the story progresses, he eventually meets his match.: “… I realized I had found my niche in life. … They say the sea is actually black and that it merely reflects the blue sky above. So it was with me. I allowed you to admire yourself in my eyes. I provided a service. I listened and listened and listened. You stored yourself in me. Nothing had ever felt so right to me. If I’m honest, even today I miss hurting. I’m not cured of it, but I don’t set out to systematically dismantle like I used to.” pgs 6-7 ebook

I don’t know that I’ve ever disliked a character in a book as much as I despised this ‘Anonymous’. That’s saying something: “Why would anyone set out to break the heart of someone he loved? Why would anyone intentionally cause that kind of pain? Why did people kill each other? Because they enjoyed it. Was it really that simple? To achieve a soul-shattering, it is better if the perpetrator has been through the same experience. Hurt people hurt people more skillfully.” pg 9 ebook. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to finish this book, given how much I hated the beginning, but, just like the numerous women in his diary, I was drawn into the Oxygen Thief’s lair and then (gasp) began to feel sorry for him.

Partially, it was because he manages to clean himself up in AA. But, the other part, is that he moved to the American Mid-West and experienced some serious culture shock, which I couldn’t help but find charming:“American lawns are loaded with social and political meaning. There is a law somewhere that says you have to maintain your lawn or the neighbors can force you to. I knew nothing of this and immediately reveled in the possibility of allowing my front and back gardens to return to nature. A polite knock on my front door changed all that.” pg 34, ebook. He calls lawns, “gardens”. I can’t…

Like a Shakespearean play, the Oxygen Thief’s eventual downfall is foreshadowed by a beautiful woman he meets in AA: “She’s evil,” said the blonde. She herself had apparently witnessed the awful effect this girl could have on guys. She looked at me for far too long. Like I wasn’t taking her seriously enough. I wasn’t.” pg 50 ebook

I also learned something about the physiology of love and heartbreak: “I read somewhere that when someone is in emotional shock, the area around the heart loses some of its protective fat and is therefore dangerously exposed. One well-aimed punch is not just painful; when the person who has been in shock starts to put the weight back on, the heart remains bruised, and this can lead to aortic fibrillation. It’s not life threatening, but it is uncomfortable. pg 85 ebook Who knew?

There aren’t any likeable characters in this book, but it is impossible to put down, so I had to give it at least three stars for its readability. I was absolutely shocked at the terrible ways in which the Oxygen Thief behaved and then was treated. No wonder people are cynical if there are people like this in the world. I tried to do a bit of research to discover who this “Anonymous” really was, but failed to come up with anything. Maybe, as time passes, his true identity will be revealed.

Recommended for the serious fans of psychological warfare tales or for those who have survived a very nasty relationship and want to compare their battle scars. The author of this book was recently paid for the film rights so we may see a movie made out of it. I don’t know if I could sit through it, but, if made the right way, it could be a very intense examination of the damage that people do to each other in the name of “love”. The obvious read alike is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn but another book that reaches for the depressing depths of this one is: Black Moon by Kenneth Calhoun.

A couple people have asked if this book is appropriate for teen readers and as a librarian and a mother, I say no.  The themes are much too mature, sexually graphic, and emotionally disturbing.  16 or 17+ is my recommendation.

Thanks for reading!