The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron

Author Elaine Aron defines “highly sensitive persons” (HSPs) and gives a plethora of coping mechanisms as well as case studies to support the definition. She also includes tests so you can discover where you are in the HSP world.

“The trait was always there, of course, just called by other names. But its essential elements were not known, so it was described by external behaviors only, such as ‘shy’ or ‘introverted.'” pg 54, ebook

This was only the second book I’ve read about HSPs. Prior to this, I have heard HSPs being described as having sensory processing disorders, which exist on a spectrum like most everything else in the psychology universe, or simple shyness.

“My term for it is sensory processing sensitivity, but the same trait is also called environmental sensitivity or reactivity; biological sensitivity to context; differential susceptibility or vantage sensitivity; or identified by the names of certain genetic variations or as in animals, sometimes termed behavioral plasticity or flexibility.” pg 82, ebook

Despite my lack of background in the topic, there was very little new information in this book. A big take-away was to improve your communication style and keep in touch with the people in your life who love you. So many problems can be cleared up with clear, concise communication.

Also, attempt to address any troubles you may have from a dysfunctional childhood or relationships prior to embarking on a new relationship. Healer, heal thyself.

Another coping mechanism I use regularly, but didn’t realize I did, is handling over arousal. Whenever I find myself being overwhelmed by life, I find a backroom and take a minute or two to myself. Sometimes I just breathe. If I’m not at work, I pick up a book or get a hot drink.

“Anger is a highly stimulating emotion. HSPs are strongly affected by it, even when we just witness it. pg 77, ebook

Aron encourages readers to find their “optimal level of arousal” since it varies from person to person. Know yourself and your limits, and tell your loved ones. Also, give yourself permission to turn off your sensitivity. It may seem silly- but that never occurred to me.

“All HSPs, men or women, are more aware of what other people are feeling, what they want and need. Thanks to your spontaneous deep processing, you also can sense what will happen if others don’t receive what they need- they may suffer, fail at what they want to do, become angry with you, feel disappointed with you. And being more sensitive, when they feel bad, you will be bothered too… pg 56, ebook

I tried to treat everyone the same and it led to some serious problems in my personal as well as professional life.

One of the most helpful parts of this book was Aron’s invitation to reframe my past in light of my new self knowledge. Prior to learning about HSPs, I was barely functioning in a world that didn’t necessary make room for me. Now I know I’m not alone in this- and have more tools in my metaphorical belt to help me get through the day.

I’m not entirely convinced by the final section of The Highly Sensitive Person in Love that discusses HSPs being more spiritual or falling harder in love than non-HSPs. It’s a romantic sentiment perhaps, but I was unconvinced by the evidence. I think we’re all in this love game together.

Recommended for readers who are or have a loved one who is a highly sensitive person. I’m curious to know what others in the community think about this book. If you do have a chance to pick it up, please write a review and let me know. 🙂

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide: Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World by Ted Zeff

“Approximately 15 to 20 percent of the population have trouble screening out stimuli and can be easily overwhelmed by noise, crowds, and time pressure.” pg 10, ebook

Ted Zeff, a self professed highly sensitive person or HSP, shares coping mechanisms he’s cultivated throughout his life-long struggle with the unique way he responds to every day life. Topics range from improving work environments, personal relationships with non-highly sensitive people, getting a good night’s sleep and more.

While you can’t live your life totally removed from the world’s jolts, you can create an environment that minimizes stimuli. If you can anchor yourself to a ship of tranquility, you won’t be tossed about by the waves of stimulation.” pg 22

I am a highly sensitive person too. Most of the tips and habits Zeff suggests in this book are common sense and were not all that helpful to me. The material also becomes somewhat repetitive as the book goes on. But, if you’ve just discovered this about yourself, I could see this book being eye-opening.

“Since our aggressive society values non-HSP behavior, HSPs must learn to create boundaries and speak up. Unfortunately, many HSPs are shy and feel embarrassed to state what they want.” pg 63

Something I did learn about in this book is the highly sensitive person issue of “time pressure”. I know deadlines and meet up times stress me out, but I didn’t realize that was fairly typical of highly sensitive people.

“Combined with your high sense of responsibility, functioning under time constraints can be one of the most difficult aspects of being a highly sensitive person. In this section you will learn specific techniques to successfully deal with the daily pressures of our fast-paced modern society.” pg 32

If you only have time to read one book about highly sensitive people, the author himself recommends The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You multiple times throughout this text. You may want to pick that one up and give this a pass.

Thanks for reading!

Shinrin-Yoku: The Art and Science of Forest Bathing by Qing Li

“Shinrin-yoku means bathing in the forest atmosphere, or taking in the forest through our senses. This is not exercise, or hiking, or jogging. It is simply being in nature, connecting with it through our sense of sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch.” pg 12

Nature lovers or those aspiring to be nature lovers will find much to enjoy in Shinrin-Yoku: The Art and Science of Forest Bathing.

Qing Li reminds readers that the human race is a part of this world even if we have walled ourselves up in cities and covered the ground in concrete. Through various scientific studies, he proves again and again that by taking a time out and forest bathing people can sleep more deeply, experience less stress and think more clearly.

“We may not travel very far on our forest walk but, in connecting us with nature, shinrin-yoku takes us all the way home to our true selves.” pg 15

Not convinced? He provides evidence that patients at hospitals heal faster if the view outside their window includes a tree rather than a wall. People who exercise outside report the exertion they need to complete the workout is less and they enjoy the time more than those who churn out the miles on a treadmill.

“The average sleep time of participants after a two-hour forest walk increased by 15 percent, or fifty-four minutes. Participants were significantly less anxious after a two-hour walk in the forest.”

Forest bathers have reported higher levels of creativity, writers find relief from the dreaded block, and the sense of connection caused by the practice has been known to increase feelings of gratitude.

“The researchers concluded that there ‘is a real, measurable cognitive advantage to be realized if we spend time truly immersed in a natural setting’, and found that spending time in nature can boost problem-solving ability and creativity by 50 per cent. Is it any wonder that Buddha found enlightenment sitting under a tree?” pg 106

Is there anything that forest bathing doesn’t help? How about your health or physical age?

“A group of Canadian, American and Australian researchers studying tree density and health in Toronto found that… having eleven more trees on a block lowered cardio-metabolic illnesses, like high blood pressure, diabetes and obesity, comparable to the effects on well-being conferred by being given a $20,000 a year pay rise or being 1.4 years younger.” pg 116

In addition to the information about forest bathing, this book contains beautiful photos of forests every couple of pages. Qing Li gives readers the instructions so, if they desired, they could hold their own traditional tea ceremony in the woods. He includes anecdotal information about aromatherapy, tips on how to bring the forest into your home, advice on how to incorporate beneficial natural sounds into your daily life and more.

I enjoyed this book very much. Highly recommended.

The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking: How Irrational Beliefs Keep Us Happy, Healthy, and Sane by Matthew Hutson

Matthew Hutson examines some of humankind’s irrational beliefs and shows, through stories and examples, how the beliefs are types of coping mechanisms and can be consciously utilized for a better life.

“These habits of the mind guide us through the world every day. In very basic ways they provide a sense of control, of purpose, of connection, and of meaning, and without them we couldn’t function.” pg 9

The beliefs Hutson discusses are “objects carry essences”, “symbols have power”, “actions have distant consequences”, “the mind knows no bounds”, “the soul lives on”, “the world is alive” and “everything happens for a reason”.

I couldn’t possibly touch on every idea that engaged me in this book, but I do want to mention my favorite chapter. I was particularly drawn to “the mind knows no bounds”.

“If anything is magic, consciousness is.” pg 108

Everything Hutson discusses in this book originates in the mind: how we perceive events, people, death, the whole enchilada. I think it is in the interpretation of life and the meanings we assign to things that seem to be the key to magical thinking.

“Believing that our thoughts have the power to drive our own behavior as well as the behavior of the outside world – that they’re not just feeble shadows cast against the inside of our heads – provides a sense of agency and makes us go out there and become active participants in life.” pg 123

That’s the sort of magical thinking I support – the interconnecting, empowering and mystical kind, that inserts meaning into the most trivial moments and illuminates your life, revealing a pattern of something greater. Then, spring boarding that knowledge into action, having another realization, and so on.

“While mystical states may not unite you with a universal intelligence, they can still tap you into your own potential for transformation. Which makes them mind-expanding after all.” pg 123

Though his writing can become dense at times, Hutson lightens things up with stories from his own life or his research. It feels like a non-fiction psychology book with a heaping dose of philosophy, religion, and memoir.

“The idea is to face morality as frankly as you can without freaking out. To accept a manageable share of anxiety and to channel it toward building a heaven here on Earth.” pg 162

Here’s author Matthew Hutson dancing with fire!

Good luck with that, fellow readers. I’ll be cheering for you, which, if you read this book and understand the power of magical thinking, may have more impact than you ever imagined.

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic, and Fear by Michael A. Tompkins

Everyone experiences anxiety in some form or another in their lives. The trouble comes when you find yourself altering your behavior to avoid triggering yourself, painting your life into smaller and smaller boxes in order to attempt to control the anxiety.

Photo by Eternal Happiness on Pexels.com

This self help workbook hands you the keys to your anxiety response. By unlocking that, you give yourself back the freedom that you may have lost to uncontrollable anxiety.

“Emotional flexibility, then, is the key to recovery from your anxiety disorder.”

Michael Tompkins uses cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness and acceptance therapies to tackle most major anxiety issues.

I liked his approach because mindfulness is a practice that I enjoy incorporating into my life anyway. By applying it to my anxiety responses, I learned a lot about myself in a very short period of time.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

“The purpose of both our primary and secondary anxious responses is to protect us from the threats and challenges of life. For some people, however, the natural and normal secondary anxious response creates problems. These people are stuck in their secondary anxious responses and because they’re unable to move out of it, they have an anxiety disorder.” pg 22

But no matter what coping mechanisms therapists may bring to the table, we have to be willing to put them into action. Tompkins reminds readers to be gentle with themselves and that “true motivation is an invitation, not a push.”

“True motivation is a willingness to try because you recognize and accept that it makes sense for you to change.” pg 43

Once you know your triggers and responses, Tompkins guides the reader through exposure therapy to continue releasing any further anxiety responses.

I know no method or book will be a breakthrough for everyone, but I found this particular book to be incredibly helpful and informative. I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from anxiety, panic or fear.

It could be the jump start you need to discover true healing and freedom from the fears that may be holding you back from living the life you’ve visualized for yourself.

Thanks for reading!

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

Brené Brown shares her twelve years of research into shame and gives tools on how to increase one’s vulnerability. In this way, she believes each individual can help change the culture of scarcity and pull the world back from a continual cycle of shaming.

We’ll build stronger and deeper relationships, strengthen families and have more productive work places. And, by doing this, we will each, in our own way, live in a manner that “dares greatly” every day.

“I also learned that the people who love me, the people I really depend on, were never the critics who were pointing at me while I stumbled. They weren’t in the bleachers at all. They were with me in the arena. Fighting for me and with me.” pg 56

I’m going to use the information in this book the most in my work life. As a writer, I attach far too much significance to my work product on the audience’s response to it rather than my own feelings about it. As Brown so clearly points out in this book, an outside response will never be good enough or big enough to fill the need that I am looking to fill with their words or their views. Or, if it is wildly praised, perhaps the next work won’t be, and then I’m right back to where I started.

“You still want folks to like, respect, and even admire what you’ve created, but your self-worth is not on the table. You know that you are far more than a painting, an innovative idea, an effective pitch, a good sermon, or a high Amazon.com ranking.” pg 64

This desire for connection and a feeling of worthiness, Brown says, comes from the need to survive by belonging to a group. Our brains have evolved to encourage us to belong and form connections. And when we don’t by not believing in our own self worth or experiencing shame, it is a physically painful emotion. People do all sorts of things to avoid feeling shame including pulling away or striking out. But, in the end, these connections are life itself.

“Buber wrote, “When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.” pg 150

As interesting as I found Brown’s research to be, she lost me when she began a discussion about how much vulnerability is enough or too much and walking the tightrope between extremes. So, be authentic, but don’t use it to manipulate people. A few sentences covers what Brown uses 50 pages to unpack.

“When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.” pg 169

Her message becomes a bit undefined and more general the further the book goes. That’s not to say it couldn’t be useful for readers who are looking for that type of information. I didn’t find it particularly engaging.

Like any self help book, I think sometimes authors and researchers can get lost in the weeds of the problem. I far more prefer to focus on the solution. In this case, that’s being brave enough to show up and be seen, demonstrating vulnerability and willingness to care about whatever is going on wherever we find ourselves throughout the day. As Brown reminds readers, it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about being there. And that’s a message worth spreading.

“To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.” pg 110

I’m game. Are you?

Thanks for reading!

The Help Desk Book Blog

Sharing reviews and deep thoughts about life.

Tag: coping mechanisms

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide: Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World by Ted Zeff

Shinrin-Yoku: The Art and Science of Forest Bathing by Qing Li

The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking: How Irrational Beliefs Keep Us Happy, Healthy, and Sane by Matthew Hutson

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic, and Fear by Michael A. Tompkins

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

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