Jessica Chiccehitto Hindman is a violinist and Eastern Studies major who is struggling to pay her way through Columbia gets a job that seems to be more than she ever hoped for. She is going to be playing professionally for audiences across the U.S. It turns out to be fake — the music is played through speakers, never live.

“While this is a memoir about being a fake, this is not a fake memoir. This is a memoir in earnest, written by a person striving to get at the truth of things that happened in her past.” From the introduction.

Jessica Hindman grew up in Appalachia among some of the most impoverished residents in the country. It’s interesting though, the gripping poverty seemed normal to her until she considered it later, through more mature eyes. Children are so flexible. Almost anything can be made to seem “normal”.

“And as you listen to the other kids talk about their life goals, you realize something else: You are someone whose upbringing was upper class enough to make you believe you could make music for a living, but lower class enough to provide no knowledge of how to do it.” pg 10

After some serious struggles through puberty with her body and self image, Jessica ends up following her boyfriend to Columbia University, where they almost immediately break up. But her troubles to pay the astronomical tuition bills are just beginning.

“The Composer,” the man behind the music and the tours Jessica eventually goes on, seems to know very little about music himself.

“And then, The Composer asks me a question that — had it come from any other musician, let alone a Billboard-topping classical composer who has performed with the New York Philharmonic — I would have taken as a joke. … “I like this music,” he says of the opening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. “What is it?” pg 20

Despite any concerns she may have, Jessica perseveres in the job anyway, because her tuition requirements leave her little choice. It nearly ruins her mind and body before she finds a way out of her predicament. Along the way, you can’t help but hope for her to succeed.

“After several more customers mention ‘Titanic,’ you begin to realize that most of The Composer’s compositions sound very ‘Titanic-esque’. And you notice that the more the songs sound like ‘Titanic,’ the more customers want to buy them.” pg 47

I enjoyed this memoir so much not just because of Jessica’s life, which is fascinating, but also because we have so many things in common. I am the same age she is, lived through the events of 9/11 in a collegiate setting (as she did), started out as a music major but changed to something else, and the similarities go on. I’ve also experienced crushing anxiety with the same physical symptoms she describes. It was eerie, really.

“A million times more than any other emotion or experience, fear has the strength and ability to mangle her into something different from what she truly is, something phony and fake and cowardly. And now, surprised and twisted and disoriented and broken as she is by fear’s sudden arrival, she realizes that she needs to fight it, fight for her life.” pg 223

But you don’t need to be anything like Jessica to appreciate what it means to be made to feel like an impostor in your own life. To know that you can be doing better, but you’re just inching along. To dream big but live small.

Recommended for readers who enjoy memoirs about a life filled with difficulties, but also hope. If you have a background in music, you may like this book even more, but it’s not required to understand it.

Thanks for reading!

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