A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death by B.J. Miller, Shoshana Berger

A Beginner’s Guide to the End is a definitive guide about death and how to handle it, both for yourself and your loved ones.

Topics range from planning your estate and dealing with life-ending illnesses all the way through to what to do in the first 24 hours after someone dies and how to liquidate an estate.

I could see this book being incredibly useful to anyone who has received a terminal diagnosis, their family or caregivers of all types.

I picked this book up because my father-in-law recently died and I was looking for information on how to help myself and others with grief.

“Grief is a force of nature. Though it can feel problematic as hell, bereavement is an essential piece of the human picture, whichever way it surfaces. pg 420

I learned all about that, but also a bunch of other helpful end-of-life details. For example, I knew nothing about the legalities of transporting and spreading cremated remains. Now, I know.

“A friend snuck down to the field of the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum at half-time and dumped some of his father’s dust at the fifteen-yard line. His pop, a doctor, had been a hard-core Raiders fan, and though his son knew he was doing something illegal, he felt a jolt of joy, knowing that part of his father would always be in that stadium.” pg 459

The text in this book is printed slightly larger than normal, which could be exactly what is needed for elderly readers.

Highly recommended for anyone who needs some guidance about death-related issues.

Thanks for reading.

How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials, #3) by Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat Hanh, monk and spiritual leader, has written a short series of books he calls “Mindfulness Essentials.” This entry is all about love. You might ask yourself, what could a monk possibly know about love? Turns out, plenty.

Hanh applies the mindfulness techniques he’s learned over his lifetime of spiritual practice to the potentially thorny pathways of love, and the result is a gem of a read.

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He counsels lovers to bring happiness to each other through being present in the moment and sharing your appreciation with each other. For example, if someone is distracted or worried, Hanh says you should draw their attention to the physical beauty of the world around them. In this way, you anchor the other in the present moment and ease the suffering of their busy mind.

This type of presence is a gift that you can give to anyone at anytime. And it doesn’t cost anything.

Hahn describes four defining traits of love as loving-kindness, joy, compassion, and equanimity. Then he examines these traits in detail so readers can ponder the mystery of love and see where, potentially, we may be falling short of these ideals.

He teaches all love begins with self love and walks hand-in-hand with spiritual practice. Through deep listening and the establishment of intimacy, Hahn believes love heals through empathy and “karuna,” a term that describes suffering with another and then doing what you can to end that suffering.

In addition, don’t take the other person for granted or make assumptions about what they may need. It is only through open communication that, Hahn believes, love lives.

He makes it sound so easy. I wish it was.

Recommended for readers looking to learn about the spiritual side of love in a quick and easy read. Hanh doesn’t waste words and I am always in awe of what teachings he has to impart.

Thanks for reading!

Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett

“And when we can’t recognize, understand, or put into words what we feel, it’s impossible for us to do anything about it: to master our feelings — not to deny them but to accept them all, even embrace them — and learn to make our emotions work for us, not against us.” pg 2

Marc Brackett, Ph.D., is the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. In this book, Permission to Feel, he has given the world a new set of tools to learn more about ourselves through our emotions, to facilitate communication, and to teach the next generation how to do the same.

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I really appreciated this book as I am someone who has trouble sharing emotions.

I am probably like this because, as Brackett explains, we learn our communication styles from our parents. My mother had a lot of kids and, though I know she cares, never had much time for one-on-one interaction.

My father is so introverted he barely speaks to his family. I have spent entire car rides with my dad while sitting in absolute silence, which sounds like it could be desperately uncomfortable, but with him it’s not. That’s just the way he is.

And what I have become. It can take time to coax anything like an intimate conversation out of me and few have ever bothered to try.

But I want to be better at sharing what’s going on in my inner world. This book has shown me a way I can move towards making that happen.

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“Feelings are a form of information. They’re like news reports from inside our psyches, sending messages about what’s going on inside the unique person that is each of us in response to whatever internal or external events we’re experiencing. We need to access that information and then figure out what it’s telling us.”

Brackett first outlines why emotions are important as they affect everything from “where we direction our attention” to decision making, relationships, creativity and our physical health.

He then explains how to become “emotion scientists,” which he says are more desirable than “emotion judges.” The scientist listens and seeks clues to tease out what is going on in order to help. The judge does the same, but then, rather than helping, he strangles any potential improvement by putting the smack down on what they discover.

“We all want our lives, and the lives of the people we love, to be free of hardship and troubling events. We can never make that happen. We all want our lives to be filled with healthy relationships, compassion, and a sense of purpose. That we can make happen.” pg 21

Then, he gives the tool kit he has spent years honing in workshops and studies, and shares how to apply it in various areas of your life.

I could see this book being useful to parents, educators, leaders or people like me. I knew I had room for improvement in accessing my emotions, but no idea how to go about it. Now, I know.

Thank you to the publisher for a free advance reader copy of this book. The short quotations I cited in my review may change or be omitted in the final print copy. Permission to Feel should be published in early September 2019.

Thanks for reading!

Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness by Ingrid Fetell Lee

Ingrid Fetell Lee shares how to bring more joy into your life through the appreciation of ordinary things. Using tools like color selection, feng shui, gardening and room design, you can utilize your environment to foster an inner sense of joy and well being.

I think anything that increases joy and appreciation in my life is a good thing. I found it interesting almost every other book I’ve read on this subject focuses on the inner aspects of joy, the ones that won’t fade. But Lee convinced me there is something to appreciate and cultivate in the outer world as well. We may all be spiritual beings but we’re living very physical lives.

I knew little to nothing about interior design or some of the more troubling aspects of minimalism. But I do like to move through spaces that feel warm and lived in.

I can see the appeal of simplifying a space down to just a few items, but I wouldn’t want to stay there very long. Lee helped me understand some of my intuitive feelings about minimalism and why maximalism has the opposite effect, at least on me.

Lee also talks about the joy one can find in quirkiness versus convention. The caveat being that you have to be in a space or group of people who allow such things to exist rather than quashing them at the start. Different colors, unexpected materials, strangely-shaped furniture — if introduced to your every day environment can bring joy and a sense of relief from staid normalcy.

This book really got me thinking about what joy I take in my surroundings and why or why not. Recommended for readers interested in interior design, gardening, or those looking for small ways in which to introduce a little more joy into their every day lives.

Thanks for reading!

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic, and Fear by Michael A. Tompkins

Everyone experiences anxiety in some form or another in their lives. The trouble comes when you find yourself altering your behavior to avoid triggering yourself, painting your life into smaller and smaller boxes in order to attempt to control the anxiety.

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This self help workbook hands you the keys to your anxiety response. By unlocking that, you give yourself back the freedom that you may have lost to uncontrollable anxiety.

“Emotional flexibility, then, is the key to recovery from your anxiety disorder.”

Michael Tompkins uses cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness and acceptance therapies to tackle most major anxiety issues.

I liked his approach because mindfulness is a practice that I enjoy incorporating into my life anyway. By applying it to my anxiety responses, I learned a lot about myself in a very short period of time.

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“The purpose of both our primary and secondary anxious responses is to protect us from the threats and challenges of life. For some people, however, the natural and normal secondary anxious response creates problems. These people are stuck in their secondary anxious responses and because they’re unable to move out of it, they have an anxiety disorder.” pg 22

But no matter what coping mechanisms therapists may bring to the table, we have to be willing to put them into action. Tompkins reminds readers to be gentle with themselves and that “true motivation is an invitation, not a push.”

“True motivation is a willingness to try because you recognize and accept that it makes sense for you to change.” pg 43

Once you know your triggers and responses, Tompkins guides the reader through exposure therapy to continue releasing any further anxiety responses.

I know no method or book will be a breakthrough for everyone, but I found this particular book to be incredibly helpful and informative. I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from anxiety, panic or fear.

It could be the jump start you need to discover true healing and freedom from the fears that may be holding you back from living the life you’ve visualized for yourself.

Thanks for reading!

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

The Power of Habit examines behaviors you may not even know you have and hands you the tools to make lasting change at home, at work and in your community… if you want it.

“Each chapter revolves around a central argument: Habits can be changed, if we understand how they work.” prologue xvii

First, author Charles Duhigg goes into what makes a habit at the biological level.

“Habits, scientists say, emerge because the brain is constantly looking for ways to save effort. Left to its own devices, the brain will try to make almost any routine into a habit, because habits allow our minds to ramp down more often.” pgs 17-18

Duhigg describes how the brain creates a “habit loop” through cues, routines and rewards. These three elements feed on themselves until an ingrained habit is made. And, once it is there, it takes very little to upkeep.

That’s good news and bad news, because it works the same way for healthy and unhealthy habits.

“But the reason the discovery of the habit loop is so important is that it reveals a basic truth: When a habit emerges, the brain stops fully participating in decision making.” pg 20

The “golden rule” for changing a habit, Duhigg says, is to keep the same cues and rewards, but change the routine that leads to them. It sounds simple, but everyone is different with different motivations. So, it takes a bit of self awareness to discover what those unique cues and rewards are for you. But, once you know your triggers and motivations, that’s when the fun begins of crafting a new routine.

I found this book to be absolutely fascinating. It’s also making me question the habits I’ve picked up in my own life. Am I certain that they are ones I want to continue? I can think of a few that could use a bit of tweaking. And now I know how.

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“This is the real power of habit: the insight that your habits are what you choose them to be.” pg 271

Let’s cultivate the good ones then.

Thanks for reading!

Die Empty: Unleash Your Best Work Every Day by Todd Henry

Your days are finite. One day, they will run out. As a friend of mine likes to say, “You know, the death rate is hovering right around one hundred percent.” pg 3

Todd Henry has given the world a call-to-action with Die Empty. The book is one big reminder that one day you (yes, you!) will die and he imparts some useful tools to help you discover what you’re meant to do and then to do it to the best of your ability.

“If there is one overriding goal of this book it is this: to bring a new found clarity and sense of urgency to how you approach your work on a daily basis, and over your lifetime.” pgs 5-6

Henry is into catchy acronyms and veers very close to empty motivational jargon. But, I feel, he pulls himself back in time.

“No one charts a course for mediocrity, yet it’s still a destination of choice. It’s chosen in small ways over time, and those tiny, seemingly inconsequential decisions accumulate until they result in a state of crisis. pg 35

I learned a great deal from his abc’s of mediocrity that include “comfort zone” as the letter C. If I am guilty of anything, it is finding my comfort zone boundaries and then staying carefully inside of them. Henry believes you do the world a disservice when you don’t push yourself. Who knows how much you can do if you don’t try?

“Growth is about daily, measured, and disciplined action. It’s about embracing purposeful skill development and pursuing new opportunities that stretch you a step beyond your comfort zone, even when it means venturing boldly into the unknown.” pg 89

You escape your comfort zone, Henry says, by creating goals in steps, sprints and stretches. Steps are goals that can be accomplished in one day. Sprints are completed in one or two weeks. Stretches are a big goal that takes longer than that.

Throughout much of the book, the lesson seems to be act, observe, and act again. It touches on everything from fear of failure and delusions to inflated egos and effective communication. Die Empty could be described as a one-stop-shop for almost anything that holds you back from “unleashing your best work every day”.

Henry even addresses the fact that no self help book is the complete answer for anyone. The final ingredient in any lasting change or improvement in your life is you.

You can have the map, and there can be gas in the tank, but unless you’re willing to fire up the engine and put your foot on the gas, you’ll never get anywhere. Intention and theory don’t change the world; decisive action does.” pg 201

Recommended for readers who are unwilling to settle for less than their very best work every day.

Thanks for reading!

Loonshots: How to Nurture the Crazy Ideas That Win Wars, Cure Diseases, and Transform Industries by Safi Bahcall

“New frontiers of the mind are before us, and if they are pioneered with the same vision, boldness, and drive with which we have waged this war we can create fuller and more fruitful employment and a fuller and more fruitful life.” — Franklin Delano Rooseveltpg 257

Safi Bahcall has applied a physics-based approach to understanding innovations and creativity in group settings. Through the careful study of a bunch of historical examples, he has discovered ways leaders can structure their businesses to best encourage the growth of “loonshots.”

The author has defined a “loonshot” as “a neglected project, widely dismissed, its champion written off as unhinged.” It is through these, Bahcall believes, that world-changing ideas are produced that can be applied from arenas as diverse as business to war.

“The twisted paths leading to great discoveries are the rule rather than the exception. And so are their revisionist histories: victors don’t just write history; they rewrite history.” pg 56

He suggests these breakthroughs are generally created by large groups of people, rather than solitary geniuses. And he thinks that “applying the science of phase transitions to the behavior of teams, companies, or any group with a mission provides practical rules for nurturing loonshots faster and better.”pg 2

For example: By examining Theodore Vail and the way he structured AT&T’s “fundamental research” department to Vannevar Bush’s non-military leadership for the Office for Scientific Research and Development for the military, Bahcall has come to some actionable conclusions.

He believes that, in a business, you need to separate the creative-types in the innovation departments from what he called the “soldiers” or people who run the rest of the business. Both are absolutely imperative to the success of the business, but if the two are working too closely together, “loonshots” can be strangled in their infancy.

The same risk of failure is faced by leaders who try to micromanage “loonshots”. Trust your people to do what they do best, whether that’s development or running the business, so that you don’t drive a business into the ground because you’re too attached to your own pet project.

Bahcall reminds us that structure is important but culture is as well. He makes a biological comparison to drive the point home: “Both genes and lifestyle matter. And so with teams and groups: both structure and culture matter. The aim of this book is not to replace the idea that certain patterns of behavior are helpful (celebrating victories, for example) and others are less so (screaming), but to complement it.” pg 227

I can’t say I completely understand what a “phase transition” is but Bahcall’s storytelling manner of imparting information is easy to understand. His writing is reminiscent, in some ways, of The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable but with more emphasis on structure and culture instead of probability.

Readers who enjoyed one book, may like the other. Recommended for readers seeking more information about how to help businesses succeed, innovate and thrive.

Thanks for reading!

The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine

Hello, my name is Heidi and I am bad at small talk. It’s not that I don’t have things to say — I can think of plenty of things to say. The things just don’t make it out of my mouth.

Enter Debra Fine, self-help author and speaking coach. She believes small talk is a skill that can be taught and mastered by even the most hopeless conversationalist. Fine begins by detailing her own life experience as a poor conversationalist and how she remade herself into a conversational dynamo.

And she hopes to do the same for her readers.

Most of the advice in The Fine Art of Small Talk is common sense stuff, but I can still see it being useful to me in the future.

For example, she encourages readers to be brave and initiate conversations in public situations. Look for the people sitting by themselves. They might appreciate your attempts to chat. Also, if you don’t start a conversation, he or she may believe you’re being stand-offish. That’s not a belief you’d want to encourage.

Actually, I have a very shy friend, one of the librarians I worked with, who swore by this technique of finding a person sitting by themselves. She did extremely well at parties by finding the quietest person in the room and starting a conversation with them.

Next, once you’re talking to someone, learn his or her name and how to appropriately pronounce it. Ask open-ended questions to foster the conversations and reduce any potentially awkward pauses. Fine recommends using the acronym “FORM” to help you create these questions. FORM stands for family, occupation, recreation and miscellaneous.

Don’t be rude and press into topics that people seem reluctant to talk about. Just gently steer the conversation around the recommended general topics and let the person you’re conversing with lead. Make sure to pay attention to any verbal cues or body language the other person gives you. Obviously, this can be more difficult over the phone, so just actively listen.

And finally, exit the conversation gracefully by going back to the topic you started talking about in the first place or offering to follow up with the person by giving a phone number or email.

Now that you have all the tools of small talk, your assignment is to practice it. Yikes.

As I said, nothing earth-shattering in here, but in an age of increasing social disconnection because of technology, perhaps these tips could be useful to anyone who is seeking to improve their relationships through small talk.

Recommended for all the tongue-tied bibliophiles out there, like me.

Thanks for reading!

The Help Desk Book Blog

Sharing reviews and deep thoughts about life.

Category: Self Help

A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death by B.J. Miller, Shoshana Berger

How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials, #3) by Thich Nhat Hanh

Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett

Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness by Ingrid Fetell Lee

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic, and Fear by Michael A. Tompkins

Die Empty: Unleash Your Best Work Every Day by Todd Henry

Loonshots: How to Nurture the Crazy Ideas That Win Wars, Cure Diseases, and Transform Industries by Safi Bahcall

The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine

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