Category: Self Help

The Introvert’s Way by Sophia Dembling

introvertThe Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World is a collection of Dembling’s blog posts about introversion. She talks about how introverts are different from extroverts, how we rub each other the wrong way, and how, with some understanding on both sides, we can all get along and thrive.  It’s engaging, but she writes as the royal “we” which I found distracting. No one has the authority to speak for introverts as a group. Right, introverts? *crickets*

I loved how she cleared up some rather major misunderstandings that I’ve been running into my entire adult life, like this one: “When we want to, not-shy introverts can nut up to the task of being charming and witty. We can meet new people. We can start conversations and keep them rolling, and even draw shy people out, since we’re good at not getting up in anyone’s face and we’re patient listeners… Introverts who are not shy are used to being told that they could not possibly be introverts. This can be irritating, but think of it as a teachable moment.” pg 16-17

Dembling gives some concrete ways in which introverts can improve their social skills: “If you’re misinterpreted more often than not, you might need to give some thought to what your quiet is telling people. When you are sitting quietly, try to parse what kind of quiet you’re feeling. “Leave me alone” quiet is different from “thinking hard” quiet, which is different from “enjoying watching the scene” quiet, which is different from “I’m totally overwhelmed, get me out of here” quiet. Once you have a sense of what you want to project, consider your body language. pg 37 My husband has expressed to me, many times, that he can’t read my “quiet”. This can be problematic because when I’m upset, I withdraw completely and, if he’s not paying attention, he misses the whole thing. Maybe I should make some signs…

“…with our deep listening habits and our hyperawareness and sensitivity, introverts are particularly susceptible to being sucked into the vortex of other people’s demands and expectations, which can cause us to keep going long after we are completely drained of energy.” pg 55 This is a legit problem. I’m from a large family of extroverts and I’ve learned that I have to draw very clear boundaries to preserve my space. There’s an assumption that if I’m home that I’m not doing anything “important” and I should be willing to go out and do whatever it is that they’re doing. Annoying. I know that they do it out of love and the desire to make me feel included, but sometimes, most times really, I just want to be left alone.

This, just this: “Nine out of ten introverts agree: the telephone is the tool of the devil.” pg 64 End of story. I can never think of anything to say while I’m on the phone, but after I hang up, I think of ten million things I could have said. It’s a vicious cycle of terror and then regret. I’m over it.

Dembling’s “Affirmations for Introverts” are excellent. Here’s my favorite: “I know what I need better than anyone else.” pg 179

It was encouraging to read about how some of my major personality quirks, which I have always viewed as flaws, are not really stumbling blocks at all. It’s just how I interact with the world. I’m very fortunate in that my friends and family have accepted me for who I am, for the most part, and not pushed me to be someone that I’m not. I just wish that I had been more aware of what makes me happy and not been so hard on myself for so many years because I wasn’t an extrovert. I wish I was good at parties, made small talk with ease, or lit up a room with my mere presence, but I don’t. And, at long last I realize: that’s ok.

If you’re looking for more books on this topic, try The Power of Personality: How Introverts and Extroverts Can Combine to Amazing Effect by Sylvia Loehken or The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do by Sarah Knight (not necessarily a book on personalities, but I found it useful as a technique to manage my energy).

Thanks for reading!

The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do by Sarah Knight

The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do by Sarah Knight

Since I just posted on Spark Joy, I thought that it was the appropriate time for a review of this one.

Full title, it’s a whopper and very descriptive of the book’s contents: The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do.

F-bombs aplenty in this parody of Marie Kondo’s international best seller about tidying. If you can look past the obvious language thing, Knight gives some fairly solid advice. She counsels readers to not care so much about what others think and give that mental energy to yourself. You’ll be surprised what you can accomplish.

“Please listen when I say that the shame and guilt you feel when you’re trying so hard to not give a f***? It’s usually not because you are wrong to not give that f***. It’s because you’re worried about what other people might think about your decision. And guess what? You have no control over what other people think.”pg 26

See? She reminded me of a more foul-mouthed Byron Katie.

Sometimes she manages to string together two whole sentences without the F-word. Check it out: “You can sidestep the prospect of hurt feelings entirely when you view your conflict through the lens of simple, emotionless opinion. NotSorry (Knight’s method) is all about simple, emotionless opinions.” pg 31.

Beyond managing your own mind, she branches out to give advice to parents: “One mother responded from the perspective of teaching her own kids what to give a f*** about: As someone who grew up in a household full of guilt, I think it’s important for our kids to know that they can make decisions about what to care about, and that they don’t need to pay attention to the approval or condescension of other people in deciding how to live their lives.”pg 92.

I can get behind that idea.

Then we move right along to shades of Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment with contemplating the meaning of existence and its temporariness: “The reality is, unless we’ve been given a ballpark figure by a reputable physician (and sometimes not even then), not a single one of us knows when we’re going to shuffle off this mortal coil. It’s morbid, but it’s true. Tomorrow you could get hit by a bus, or mauled by a pack of wolves, or be scared to death by a clown. When you think about it like that, don’t you want to make every second count? pg 184.

Sarah Knight’s book, in my opinion, doesn’t have the life-changing magic of the other book, but she’s got some interesting thoughts that I believe are true and, sometimes, rather funny. But make sure to bring your sense of humor with you when you pick this one up because the author doesn’t give a … well, you know.

Thanks for reading!

Spark Joy: an illustrated master class on the art of organizing and tidying up by Marie Kondo

Spark Joy: an illustrated master class on the art of organizing and tidying up by Marie Kondo

Spark Joy is author Marie Kondō’s follow up to her internationally best-selling title, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.

Kondo’s not for everyone — some of her ideas are very different like treating your possessions as if they have spirits of their own and sorting items by smell — but I like her.

I think it’s because she is obviously very passionate about what she teaches. Her excitement seems to seek from the pages of her book.

This companion novel is an excellent book by itself, but, in my opinion, you won’t be able to fully appreciate it unless you’ve read Kondō’s first title. She doesn’t as completely explain her tidying methods in this book as she took the time to in the last. But there was still so much to enjoy here.

She encourages individuals to embrace what they love, even if society doesn’t love it too, like in this section called Save Your Cosplay for Indoors: “…a surprisingly high percentage of my clients have costume-like clothes. To name just a few, I have encountered a Chinese dress, a maid’s outfit, and a belly-dancing costume. … If it brings you joy, but you can’t see yourself wearing it outside, there’s no reason you shouldn’t wear it inside.” pg 25-26

Kondo has a pretty philosophy of living: “I’m convinced that things that have been loved and cherished acquire elegance and character. When we surround ourselves only with things that spark joy and shower them with love, we can transform our home into a space filled with precious artifacts, our very own art museum.” pg 47

One of my favorite parts of both books is Kondo’s theory about socks. It makes me smile: “The socks you wear at home are particularly important because they are the contact point between you and your house, so choose ones that will make the time you spend there even more enjoyable. Balling your socks and stockings, or tying them into knots, is cruel. Please put an end to this practice today.” pg 98 🙂

As much as I enjoy Kondo’s quirkiness, I don’t embrace all of her theories.

For example, I’m still trying to talk myself out of the mountains of books that I have around the house. I have this dream that one day, I’ll have an enormous library with shelves so high that I’ll need a ladder with rollers to climb up and reach the books at the top.

Here’s what Kondo has to say about tidying up the books: “When you’re left with only those books that you love, you’ll discover that the quality of information you receive changes noticeably. The room you make by discarding books seems to create space for an equivalent volume of new information. You’ll soon see that the information you need comes just when you need it, and when it does, you’ll find that you respond to it immediately in a new pattern of behavior that wasn’t possible when you were hoarding books and neglecting the information they contained.”pg 126

Sigh.

Here’s a helpful tip for sorting piles of stuffed animals: “Energy resides in the eyes, which is why it’s best to cover them when discarding something. Once their eyes are hidden, stuffed toys and dolls look much more like objects, and that makes it far easier to part with them. The simplest solution is to place a cloth or piece of paper over their faces.” pg 164-165

Consider some of the most used items in your life for the royal treatment: “…my criterion for deciding which items require royal treatment… is this: the item’s proximity to your body. Items such as forks or undergarments, which come in direct contact with delicate parts of our bodies, should be treated as a rank above the rest whenever possible.” pg 183

Good to know.

And finally: “Tidying is a special event. If you give storage your best effort, experimenting with different ideas and enjoying the whole process, you’ll find that it goes very smoothly. Treat it like a game. Each idea you try will bring immediate results, and you can readjust anytime you like.” pg 206

If only I had that sort of passion for tidying…

Marie Kondo is inspiring but I don’t know if I will ever achieve the emotional highs that she seems to find from it. The best part of this book is: she makes me willing to try.

Other tidying (or anti-tidying) books I’ve reviewed can be read here:

Remodelista: The Organized Home by Julie Carlson

The Joy of Leaving Your Sh*t All Over the Place by Jennifer McCartney

Thanks for reading!