Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness by Ingrid Fetell Lee

Ingrid Fetell Lee shares how to bring more joy into your life through the appreciation of ordinary things. Using tools like color selection, feng shui, gardening and room design, you can utilize your environment to foster an inner sense of joy and well being.

I think anything that increases joy and appreciation in my life is a good thing. I found it interesting almost every other book I’ve read on this subject focuses on the inner aspects of joy, the ones that won’t fade. But Lee convinced me there is something to appreciate and cultivate in the outer world as well. We may all be spiritual beings but we’re living very physical lives.

I knew little to nothing about interior design or some of the more troubling aspects of minimalism. But I do like to move through spaces that feel warm and lived in.

I can see the appeal of simplifying a space down to just a few items, but I wouldn’t want to stay there very long. Lee helped me understand some of my intuitive feelings about minimalism and why maximalism has the opposite effect, at least on me.

Lee also talks about the joy one can find in quirkiness versus convention. The caveat being that you have to be in a space or group of people who allow such things to exist rather than quashing them at the start. Different colors, unexpected materials, strangely-shaped furniture — if introduced to your every day environment can bring joy and a sense of relief from staid normalcy.

This book really got me thinking about what joy I take in my surroundings and why or why not. Recommended for readers interested in interior design, gardening, or those looking for small ways in which to introduce a little more joy into their every day lives.

Thanks for reading!

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic, and Fear by Michael A. Tompkins

Everyone experiences anxiety in some form or another in their lives. The trouble comes when you find yourself altering your behavior to avoid triggering yourself, painting your life into smaller and smaller boxes in order to attempt to control the anxiety.

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This self help workbook hands you the keys to your anxiety response. By unlocking that, you give yourself back the freedom that you may have lost to uncontrollable anxiety.

“Emotional flexibility, then, is the key to recovery from your anxiety disorder.”

Michael Tompkins uses cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness and acceptance therapies to tackle most major anxiety issues.

I liked his approach because mindfulness is a practice that I enjoy incorporating into my life anyway. By applying it to my anxiety responses, I learned a lot about myself in a very short period of time.

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“The purpose of both our primary and secondary anxious responses is to protect us from the threats and challenges of life. For some people, however, the natural and normal secondary anxious response creates problems. These people are stuck in their secondary anxious responses and because they’re unable to move out of it, they have an anxiety disorder.” pg 22

But no matter what coping mechanisms therapists may bring to the table, we have to be willing to put them into action. Tompkins reminds readers to be gentle with themselves and that “true motivation is an invitation, not a push.”

“True motivation is a willingness to try because you recognize and accept that it makes sense for you to change.” pg 43

Once you know your triggers and responses, Tompkins guides the reader through exposure therapy to continue releasing any further anxiety responses.

I know no method or book will be a breakthrough for everyone, but I found this particular book to be incredibly helpful and informative. I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from anxiety, panic or fear.

It could be the jump start you need to discover true healing and freedom from the fears that may be holding you back from living the life you’ve visualized for yourself.

Thanks for reading!

Agrippina: The Most Extraordinary Woman of the Roman World by Emma Southon

Emma Southon gives us a fascinating look at a complex woman whom history has perhaps treated unfairly.

She starts by giving the reader reasons why the study of historical women is so difficult.

“… we have just three major literary sources that mention Agrippina with any detail, and a total of seven literary sources from the entire corpus of Latin literature that think she was interesting or significant enough to deserve a single line; one of which is a play.”

Like most women from history, Agrippina was mainly written about when she orbited important men. There’s also the difficulty of potential bias in the few sources we have.

“She can be seen only through the distorting lens of her relationship to other people and how well or badly she performed the ideal form of that relationship. It’s mostly badly, which is why we get to see so much of her.”

But what’s left when you take all of that into consideration is extraordinary. As the author points out, Agrippina was “the sister, niece, wife, and mother of emperors.” There are few from history who can claim the same.

Southon uses an informal style and words like “stabby” and “murdery”. I found her delivery rather hilarious and enjoyed it. If you’re turned off by this type of writing, you may want to choose another, more serious author.

She doesn’t neglect to remind readers of the context of every bit of Agrippina’s history or point out when the record is missing or falls silent. Sometimes, the gaps in the record speak even louder than what was written.

“The next year, however, Agrippina came roaring back into historical narratives in the most confusing possible way.”

I liked how Southon took complex concepts from Roman history and gave them to the reader in digestible chunks. For example, we get a glimpse of what portions of Agrippina’s wedding ceremony may have been like:

“First, Agrippina the Younger anointed the doorway with fat and wool. Basically, she smeared some kind of animal fat onto the door frame and then strung wool between the door posts, sticking the ends to the fat. Obviously that sounds both disgusting and bizarre, which it is, but this is very symbolic and serious. Probably as these things were brought out, the party atmosphere would die down and everyone would watch reverently as this little girl covered the door in goo.”

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She goes on to examine the superstition of carrying the bride across the threshold of her new home which was another important part of the ceremony and nothing like the laughing, fun time it is today. It was interesting to me to juxtapose the modern viewpoint on these ancient traditions and see the glaring differences between the two.

Highly recommended for readers who like their non-fiction to sound like a conversation between friends. Southon makes the past come alive in a delightful read filled with scandals, power struggles and, of course, Rome.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for an advance reader copy of this book, which is slated to go on sale tomorrow, August 6, 2019. The brief quotations I cited in this review may change or be omitted in the final copy.

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

The Power of Habit examines behaviors you may not even know you have and hands you the tools to make lasting change at home, at work and in your community… if you want it.

“Each chapter revolves around a central argument: Habits can be changed, if we understand how they work.” prologue xvii

First, author Charles Duhigg goes into what makes a habit at the biological level.

“Habits, scientists say, emerge because the brain is constantly looking for ways to save effort. Left to its own devices, the brain will try to make almost any routine into a habit, because habits allow our minds to ramp down more often.” pgs 17-18

Duhigg describes how the brain creates a “habit loop” through cues, routines and rewards. These three elements feed on themselves until an ingrained habit is made. And, once it is there, it takes very little to upkeep.

That’s good news and bad news, because it works the same way for healthy and unhealthy habits.

“But the reason the discovery of the habit loop is so important is that it reveals a basic truth: When a habit emerges, the brain stops fully participating in decision making.” pg 20

The “golden rule” for changing a habit, Duhigg says, is to keep the same cues and rewards, but change the routine that leads to them. It sounds simple, but everyone is different with different motivations. So, it takes a bit of self awareness to discover what those unique cues and rewards are for you. But, once you know your triggers and motivations, that’s when the fun begins of crafting a new routine.

I found this book to be absolutely fascinating. It’s also making me question the habits I’ve picked up in my own life. Am I certain that they are ones I want to continue? I can think of a few that could use a bit of tweaking. And now I know how.

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“This is the real power of habit: the insight that your habits are what you choose them to be.” pg 271

Let’s cultivate the good ones then.

Thanks for reading!

Die Empty: Unleash Your Best Work Every Day by Todd Henry

Your days are finite. One day, they will run out. As a friend of mine likes to say, “You know, the death rate is hovering right around one hundred percent.” pg 3

Todd Henry has given the world a call-to-action with Die Empty. The book is one big reminder that one day you (yes, you!) will die and he imparts some useful tools to help you discover what you’re meant to do and then to do it to the best of your ability.

“If there is one overriding goal of this book it is this: to bring a new found clarity and sense of urgency to how you approach your work on a daily basis, and over your lifetime.” pgs 5-6

Henry is into catchy acronyms and veers very close to empty motivational jargon. But, I feel, he pulls himself back in time.

“No one charts a course for mediocrity, yet it’s still a destination of choice. It’s chosen in small ways over time, and those tiny, seemingly inconsequential decisions accumulate until they result in a state of crisis. pg 35

I learned a great deal from his abc’s of mediocrity that include “comfort zone” as the letter C. If I am guilty of anything, it is finding my comfort zone boundaries and then staying carefully inside of them. Henry believes you do the world a disservice when you don’t push yourself. Who knows how much you can do if you don’t try?

“Growth is about daily, measured, and disciplined action. It’s about embracing purposeful skill development and pursuing new opportunities that stretch you a step beyond your comfort zone, even when it means venturing boldly into the unknown.” pg 89

You escape your comfort zone, Henry says, by creating goals in steps, sprints and stretches. Steps are goals that can be accomplished in one day. Sprints are completed in one or two weeks. Stretches are a big goal that takes longer than that.

Throughout much of the book, the lesson seems to be act, observe, and act again. It touches on everything from fear of failure and delusions to inflated egos and effective communication. Die Empty could be described as a one-stop-shop for almost anything that holds you back from “unleashing your best work every day”.

Henry even addresses the fact that no self help book is the complete answer for anyone. The final ingredient in any lasting change or improvement in your life is you.

You can have the map, and there can be gas in the tank, but unless you’re willing to fire up the engine and put your foot on the gas, you’ll never get anywhere. Intention and theory don’t change the world; decisive action does.” pg 201

Recommended for readers who are unwilling to settle for less than their very best work every day.

Thanks for reading!

Loonshots: How to Nurture the Crazy Ideas That Win Wars, Cure Diseases, and Transform Industries by Safi Bahcall

“New frontiers of the mind are before us, and if they are pioneered with the same vision, boldness, and drive with which we have waged this war we can create fuller and more fruitful employment and a fuller and more fruitful life.” — Franklin Delano Rooseveltpg 257

Safi Bahcall has applied a physics-based approach to understanding innovations and creativity in group settings. Through the careful study of a bunch of historical examples, he has discovered ways leaders can structure their businesses to best encourage the growth of “loonshots.”

The author has defined a “loonshot” as “a neglected project, widely dismissed, its champion written off as unhinged.” It is through these, Bahcall believes, that world-changing ideas are produced that can be applied from arenas as diverse as business to war.

“The twisted paths leading to great discoveries are the rule rather than the exception. And so are their revisionist histories: victors don’t just write history; they rewrite history.” pg 56

He suggests these breakthroughs are generally created by large groups of people, rather than solitary geniuses. And he thinks that “applying the science of phase transitions to the behavior of teams, companies, or any group with a mission provides practical rules for nurturing loonshots faster and better.”pg 2

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For example: By examining Theodore Vail and the way he structured AT&T’s “fundamental research” department to Vannevar Bush’s non-military leadership for the Office for Scientific Research and Development for the military, Bahcall has come to some actionable conclusions.

He believes that, in a business, you need to separate the creative-types in the innovation departments from what he called the “soldiers” or people who run the rest of the business. Both are absolutely imperative to the success of the business, but if the two are working too closely together, “loonshots” can be strangled in their infancy.

The same risk of failure is faced by leaders who try to micromanage “loonshots”. Trust your people to do what they do best, whether that’s development or running the business, so that you don’t drive a business into the ground because you’re too attached to your own pet project.

Bahcall reminds us that structure is important but culture is as well. He makes a biological comparison to drive the point home: “Both genes and lifestyle matter. And so with teams and groups: both structure and culture matter. The aim of this book is not to replace the idea that certain patterns of behavior are helpful (celebrating victories, for example) and others are less so (screaming), but to complement it.” pg 227

I can’t say I completely understand what a “phase transition” is but Bahcall’s storytelling manner of imparting information is easy to understand. His writing is reminiscent, in some ways, of The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable but with more emphasis on structure and culture instead of probability.

Readers who enjoyed one book, may like the other. Recommended for readers seeking more information about how to help businesses succeed, innovate and thrive.

Thanks for reading!

The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine

Hello, my name is Heidi and I am bad at small talk. It’s not that I don’t have things to say — I can think of plenty of things to say. The things just don’t make it out of my mouth.

Enter Debra Fine, self-help author and speaking coach. She believes small talk is a skill that can be taught and mastered by even the most hopeless conversationalist. Fine begins by detailing her own life experience as a poor conversationalist and how she remade herself into a conversational dynamo.

And she hopes to do the same for her readers.

Most of the advice in The Fine Art of Small Talk is common sense stuff, but I can still see it being useful to me in the future.

For example, she encourages readers to be brave and initiate conversations in public situations. Look for the people sitting by themselves. They might appreciate your attempts to chat. Also, if you don’t start a conversation, he or she may believe you’re being stand-offish. That’s not a belief you’d want to encourage.

Actually, I have a very shy friend, one of the librarians I worked with, who swore by this technique of finding a person sitting by themselves. She did extremely well at parties by finding the quietest person in the room and starting a conversation with them.

Next, once you’re talking to someone, learn his or her name and how to appropriately pronounce it. Ask open-ended questions to foster the conversations and reduce any potentially awkward pauses. Fine recommends using the acronym “FORM” to help you create these questions. FORM stands for family, occupation, recreation and miscellaneous.

Don’t be rude and press into topics that people seem reluctant to talk about. Just gently steer the conversation around the recommended general topics and let the person you’re conversing with lead. Make sure to pay attention to any verbal cues or body language the other person gives you. Obviously, this can be more difficult over the phone, so just actively listen.

And finally, exit the conversation gracefully by going back to the topic you started talking about in the first place or offering to follow up with the person by giving a phone number or email.

Now that you have all the tools of small talk, your assignment is to practice it. Yikes.

As I said, nothing earth-shattering in here, but in an age of increasing social disconnection because of technology, perhaps these tips could be useful to anyone who is seeking to improve their relationships through small talk.

Recommended for all the tongue-tied bibliophiles out there, like me.

Thanks for reading!

If: The Untold Story of Kipling’s American Years by Christopher Benfey

Christopher Benfey has written a masterful biography of Rudyard Kipling’s years in the United States. It is a little-remembered period from the life of the youngest ever Nobel Prize winner for literature.

“At this remove, it is difficult to recover the sheer depth of reverence once accorded Kipling. “He’s more of a Shakespeare than anyone yet in this generation of ours,” wrote the great American psychologist William James.”

He was friends with Mark Twain. One of Kipling’s books, The Jungle Book, was in Sigmund Freud’s top picks for important books in his life. He has inspired generations of authors and readers with his Just So Stories and poetry.

My husband used to quote some of his poetry to me from memory when we were first dating. Rudyard Kipling is a giant of literature.

Yet he’s also a complex historical figure. “With the rise of postcolonial theory — a view of literature that assesses the human cost of colonial arrangements —Kipling is often treated with unease or hostility in university literature departments, as the jingoist Bard of Empire, a man on the wrong side of history.”

And there’s reasons for this distrust. Kipling penned “The White Man’s Burden”, asking the United States to take up Great Britain’s colonial interests.

So when Benfey examines the life of Kipling, it’s not all hero worship. He is aware of and acknowledges Kipling’s failings, but doesn’t take it out of the context of Kipling’s life and times.

If brings to light previously unknown portions of Kipling’s life and legacy. Some new poetry and personal papers have recently been discovered that Benfey uses to paint a more complete picture of Kipling than perhaps ever before.

Readers learn of the friendships Kipling had with some of the political giants in the United States. We also get to peek into Kipling’s private life and share some of the intense sorrows he experienced in his own childhood and with his children.

There’s an examination of how opium use affected Kipling’s writings. We travel with Kipling to Japan on his honeymoon. And we learn about the great writer’s obsession with, of all things, beavers.

This most interesting part of all of it is, though he lived in the Gilded Age, how similar Kipling’s times were to today.

“It was an era, like our own, of vast disparities between rich and poor, of corruption on an appalling scale, of large-scale immigration and rampant racism, of disruptive new technologies and new media, of mushrooming factories and abandoned farms, of vanishing wildlife and the depredation of public lands.”

So, despite his astonishing literary genius, Kipling was just a man. He had his flaws and his dark side. And after his death, he left behind a treasury of written works that carry his legacy into the unknowable future. A future that, if we try, perhaps we can make more than one man’s limited imagination could contain.

Recommended for readers who enjoy forgotten history in all its imperfections and glory.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a free digital advance reader’s copy of this book. The brief quotations I cited in this review may change or even be omitted in the final version.

Here’s the History Guy’s take on Rudyard Kipling that I wrote the script for and thanks for reading!:

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

Brené Brown shares her twelve years of research into shame and gives tools on how to increase one’s vulnerability. In this way, she believes each individual can help change the culture of scarcity and pull the world back from a continual cycle of shaming.

We’ll build stronger and deeper relationships, strengthen families and have more productive work places. And, by doing this, we will each, in our own way, live in a manner that “dares greatly” every day.

“I also learned that the people who love me, the people I really depend on, were never the critics who were pointing at me while I stumbled. They weren’t in the bleachers at all. They were with me in the arena. Fighting for me and with me.” pg 56

I’m going to use the information in this book the most in my work life. As a writer, I attach far too much significance to my work product on the audience’s response to it rather than my own feelings about it. As Brown so clearly points out in this book, an outside response will never be good enough or big enough to fill the need that I am looking to fill with their words or their views. Or, if it is wildly praised, perhaps the next work won’t be, and then I’m right back to where I started.

“You still want folks to like, respect, and even admire what you’ve created, but your self-worth is not on the table. You know that you are far more than a painting, an innovative idea, an effective pitch, a good sermon, or a high Amazon.com ranking.” pg 64

This desire for connection and a feeling of worthiness, Brown says, comes from the need to survive by belonging to a group. Our brains have evolved to encourage us to belong and form connections. And when we don’t by not believing in our own self worth or experiencing shame, it is a physically painful emotion. People do all sorts of things to avoid feeling shame including pulling away or striking out. But, in the end, these connections are life itself.

“Buber wrote, “When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.” pg 150

As interesting as I found Brown’s research to be, she lost me when she began a discussion about how much vulnerability is enough or too much and walking the tightrope between extremes. So, be authentic, but don’t use it to manipulate people. A few sentences covers what Brown uses 50 pages to unpack.

“When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.” pg 169

Her message becomes a bit undefined and more general the further the book goes. That’s not to say it couldn’t be useful for readers who are looking for that type of information. I didn’t find it particularly engaging.

Like any self help book, I think sometimes authors and researchers can get lost in the weeds of the problem. I far more prefer to focus on the solution. In this case, that’s being brave enough to show up and be seen, demonstrating vulnerability and willingness to care about whatever is going on wherever we find ourselves throughout the day. As Brown reminds readers, it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about being there. And that’s a message worth spreading.

“To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.” pg 110

I’m game. Are you?

Thanks for reading!

The Help Desk Book Blog

Sharing reviews and deep thoughts about life.

Category: Non-Fiction

Joyful: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness by Ingrid Fetell Lee

Anxiety and Avoidance: A Universal Treatment for Anxiety, Panic, and Fear by Michael A. Tompkins

Agrippina: The Most Extraordinary Woman of the Roman World by Emma Southon

Die Empty: Unleash Your Best Work Every Day by Todd Henry

Loonshots: How to Nurture the Crazy Ideas That Win Wars, Cure Diseases, and Transform Industries by Safi Bahcall

The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression! by Debra Fine

If: The Untold Story of Kipling’s American Years by Christopher Benfey

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

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