“Qualities like gentleness, patience, warmth, and empathy can be so undervalued in this day and age that when we need to sit down with someone devastated by a loss or turbulent change in their lives, we often feel unsure about what to say or do.” pg 7, ebook.
Author Val Walker discovered first-hand that there is a lack of knowledge about offering comfort in the modern age. She was going through a divorce and relocation, and had no one to confide in. She said her friends and family members were either too busy to give her some of their time or they gave her a type of attention she didn’t desire- like mouthing platitudes or giving unwelcome advice.
Walker realized that society has lost its ability to do something as simple as listen and be present. She wrote this book to help others offer this gift to those around them.
“Presence. Unshakable, steady, tender, and empathic presence. Soft strength. That was comfort.” pg 10, ebook
She dispels many myths about what comforting may look like, including my concern that I never know what to say when someone shares their inner turmoil with me.
“Myth: Comforters always know what to say. We don’t have to know the right thing to say. Sometimes there is really nothing that can be said.” pg 21, ebook
After that, Walker interviews mental health professionals from many different modalities, offering different ways that these comforters approach and soothe those around them. From creating art to writing to simply watching television together, there are so many opportunities to spend time and connect with someone in need.
“The language of comforting is a language like any other- it can be learned but, once mastered, can become as effortless as breathing. And if our words and gestures are warm, empathic, and respectful, they will help to create a safe space for the comforter and the one being comforted to inhabit.” pg 81
The past year has been devastating for so many. I picked up this book because I never know what to say when someone comes to me with pain or disappointment or heartbreak.
Walker has reassured me that sometimes the best help anyone can give another is to say nothing at all but to offer the gift of your presence and attention. Because at the end of the day, another word for ‘comfort’ is ‘love’. And we all know how to do that already, right?
Thanks for reading!
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